Dick Rod To Pull Another Disappearing Act?

Take this with several grains of salt because it involves something coming out Mark May’s mouth, but Mr. May himself was on some sports talk radio show yesterday suggesting that word on the street is that not only could Rich Rodriguez (aka “Dick Rod”) leave Michigan to take either the Tennessee or Clemson vacancies but that Michigan would actually help him to broker a deal with one of the aforementioned schools.

May’s reason for suggesting such a scenario basically sum down to the “wine and cheese crowd” at Michigan with their “Mercedes in the parking lots” who expect to win every year aren’t warming up to some guy with a southern drawl who changes the playcalling system and oversees the worst season in the program’s proud history.

May then goes on to suggest that Clemson fans would embrace Dick Rod because that’s where he was a well-liked offensive coordinator during the first couple years of the Tommy Bowden era before bolting to West Virginia to become their head coach.

Certainly, nothing that’s being said about Dick Rod should be considered “far-fetched” and I wouldn’t be as shocked as you think if such a rumor were to end up true.  Dick Rod isn’t exactly a well-liked figure amongst the Michigan fan base and his style and demeanor are a deep contrast from what the fans are used to.  That is usually not a good sign with a program for which winning is a birthright.  We could potentially have another Bill Callahan at Nebraska-type scenario playing out in Ann Arbor, unless Michigan’s athletic department decides to pave Dick Rod a path to Clemson or Tennessee.

Anyway, here’s the link to the aforementioned talk show appearance.  You’ll have to fast-forward to a little bit beyond the halfway mark before the Dick Rod talk begins.

Further Proof That Jersey Sucks.

Tonight’s opponent for the Fighting DeChellises: The New Jersey Institute Of Technology…Seriously? WTF? Who schedules this garbage?  Oh, that’s right, the dipshits who put together the “Philly Classic” field. Well, here’s a hearty FUCK YOU to you guys for giving us an opponent that’s only in their third season as a Division I team, can barely score over 30 points in a game, currently sports a 34-game losing streak (including an 0-29 season last year), and are about to suffer their 35th straight defeat tonight.

There’s not even a fucking line on this game, and with good reason. The Philly Classic committee might as well have invited ITT Tech’s intramural champions, at least I could stomach that better than a fake Division I basketball program.

Did I also mention their logo looks like something that was created in a “Basics of Anime Drawing” class? The logo’s probably more of a threat to come to life and launch a glowing fireball attack on Talor Battle than NJIT is to win this game.

There can only be one Highlander..and this one falls way short of the mark.

Now, for those of you who like butt-rape: The game will be televised on Big Ten Network at 7 PM tonight. It’ll likely make for great background noise for *ahem* certain extracurricular activities you may be involved with.

Fun With Facebook Walls: Rich Rodriguez

Courtesy of Dick Rod’s facebook wall, after Michigan began an epic futility streak against the MAC conference with yesterday’s loss at home to Toledo.  The happy expressions in the profile pictures of the flaming posters just scream “unintentional comedy gold.”

If you also look carefully enough, you can see one person getting desperate enough to leap onto MARYLAND’s bandwagon..and I doubt it has anything to do with basketball.

Big Ten Blogger Roundtable (Celebrity Jeopardy Edition)

Looks like I picked the right week to jump back on the BTB Roundtable bandwagon as The Only Game That Matters (aka, the only Big Ten blogger without a favorite team who takes the easy way out and embraces them all) has come up with answers that we must address in the form of a question, much like “Jeopardy.”

Such a momentous occassion also gives Yours Truly free reign to squeeze in “SNL Celebrity Jeopardy” references wherever it might possibly fit.  You have been warned.

1)  Jay Paterno and the Spread HD

Q:  What is the latest sexual position done with Trebek’s mother?

2)  Joe Tiller’s Mustache

Q:  What is “BITCHIN’ TECHNOLOGY?”

Nicolas Cage is amused with Joe Tiller's 'stache

3)  The Color Purple

Q: What is a part of Lake The Post’s wet dreams?

4)  Brains

Q:  What is something Kirk Ferentz’s head should be checked for?

5)  Hawkeye State

Q:  What is a ‘state of panic?’

6)  Rudy

Q:  Who is a giant douche that managed to be the subject of an “inspiring film” about his lame-ass story of walking on to America’s most hated college football team and going from towel boy to getting a sack in his final home game despite being offsides?

7)  Knee Ligaments

Q:  What is something Joe Paterno lacks nowadays?

8 )  Terrelle Pryor

Q: Who is the only thing bigger than Turd Ferguson’s “oversized hat?”

Sorry Turd Ferguson, you’ve finally been “one-upped”

9)  Mark May

Q:  Who is ‘eating crow?’ (i.e. begrudgingly ranking Penn State in his Top 5)

How's it taste, Mark?

10)  Rich Rodriguez

Q: Who just invented the “Penis Mightier” and is sitting on a gold mine?

Dick Rod inventing the"Penis Mightier." Who would've thought?

BONUS ANSWER:  11) Anal Bum Cover.

Q:  What is the next project Rich Rodriguez is working on?

Quick Thoughts On Marijuana-Gate

I figured I’d better comment on this, lest I be ignoring that “giant octopus at the dinner table.”

I’m glad that there’s finally been some closure in the drama involving Maurice Evans and Abe Koroma’s situations and that the charges were merely simple possession of a small amount of marijuana.  Some people on the message boards however, have been in meltdown over this development, citing that Judicial Affairs is really going to lay the hammer down on Mo and Abe with an explusion of sorts.

Folks, I may not be right on a lot of things but this much I can ASSURE you:  For the amount of pot the guys were charged with possessing and with this incident being their first offense ever, the worst thing that will happen is they get a couple semester’s worth of “disciplinary probation” along with the mandatory drug education classes.

The bigger concern should be: How much longer does JoePa hold them out?  Will they at least be dressed and seeing some action on the field come the Illinois game?  Will Joe wait until October sometime?  Surely, he’s not going to suspend them for the rest of the year given the lightness of the charges but at this point, who knows how many games Mo and Abe will be suspended for before Joe feels that they’ve suffered enough?

For everybody who has any affiliation with Penn State or its football program’s sake:  Let’s hope THIS is the end of the line with the legal problems that have plagued this program over the past 18 months…

Marijuana-Gate Update

Well, it appears new light has been shed regarding a police search of the apartment belonging to AJ Wallace, Maurice Evans, Abe Koroma, and *GASP* Andrew Quarless:

A “small amount” of marijuana was found in apartment 5204 after police responded last night to a report of loud music, Penn State Police Lt. Bill Moerschbacher said this morning.

Drug law charges will be filed soon, Moerschbacher said, adding police could not specifically say who might be charged in connection with the incident. He said police are still investigating to determine who had possession of the marijuana.

So, in retrospect, it doesn’t look as if the charges are going to be as serious as once thought. Nonetheless, I still envision some multi-game suspensions and if Quarless was responsible for this, perhaps even a dismissal from the program. Let’s just hope the suspensions don’t linger through the Illinois game…

GOD HATES NEBRASKA

According to our good friend, Fred Phelps…

I take it the douchebag got tired of picketing at military funerals?

“Goodbye and Good Riddance” (Baker and Taylor Dismissed)

Unless you’ve been busy constructing an eco-village for the past 24 hours, you’ve heard by now about JoePa’s dismissals of the troubled DT’s Chris Baker and Phil Taylor. As RUTS has mentioned over at Black Shoe Diaries, it’s going to be extremely difficult to spin this as something other than a gut-reaction to the scathing ESPN propaganda segment, even if Baker and Taylor had recently stepped out of line again and JoePa said “enough is enough.”

As usual, the FOS message boards are filled with the typical “the sky is falling” posts which I don’t get at all. No doubt that losing Baker sucks, he certainly drew a lot of attention from opposing offensive lines and was a beast on the field but I honestly won’t be shedding a tear over Phil Taylor; when Taylor wasn’t busy getting into legal trouble or failing to make the grade, he was constantly battling weight problems and never seemed to make much of an impact on the field.

Plus, if there’s ANY position at which we can suffer a couple losses like this and hardly notice it on the field, it’s on the defensive line. With people like Jared Odrick, Ollie Ogbu, Devon Still, Abe Koroma, and Chima Okoli still intact at the DT spots let’s just say that I won’t be losing much sleep over this…

Inside The “Outside The Lines” Segment

Well, just about everybody has pitched in their two cents on the “Outside The Lines” segment that tried its damndest to paint Penn State as a school suddenly lowering its character standards regarding recruiting and allowing thugs to run hog-wild all over Happy Valley.

Being that I was taught to always acknowledge that “giant octopus at the dinner table,” here is my own take on the segment, complete with half-assed commentary.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

14:40 – Cue in the chilling, first-person camera shot that attempts to put you in the shoes of those who broke open the door. The drunken stumbling effects are a nice touch as well. Just need to make the camera entirely red to simulate what the players were envisioning upon entering the apartment.

14:12-13:35 – A gripping re-enactment from those who were actually there during the fight. We’re talking “America’s Most Wanted” survivor-story quality here.

13:00 – Cue in first shot of reporter and JoePa, mano-a-mano. First “witch hunt” accusation from JoePa is hurled at said reporter.

12:22 – Our first glimpse at statistics which never lie and were not slanted in any sort of way to accomplish the goals of the segment.

12:00-11:00 – Begin biased parade of skeptic-only interviews, while showing clips from the “better days” of PSU football; when the players were model student-athletes who worked hard on and off the field, helped little old ladies cross the street, rescued cats from trees, and were in bed by midnight.

10:40 – Cue in ugly reminders of the “dark years” along with the accusations of PSU lowereing its character standards regarding recruits

9:45 – Cue in some fat guy on a couch who spouts his expertise on the inner psychology of collegiate football players

8:45 – Cue in old, retired guy who has a bone to pick.

7:25 – And now, the conclusion of the re-enactment/storytelling segment

6:35-5:50 – Survivors of that fateful night show off their battle scars. Naive young man is surprised that the accused players weren’t immediately thrown off the team despite never being convicted of anything.

5:10 – JoePa delivers another right “witch hunt” hook to reporter’s jaw.

5:00-4:30 – Cue in the “slap on the wrist” floats from the skeptic parade

4:00 – And behind the “slap on the wrist” float is the “athletes get off easy” float…Gee, who would’ve thought?

3:40-3:30 – Old, retired guy is back with more conspiracy theories; JoePa continues to fire away at reporter like Sonny Corleone at the toll both.

The last 3:00 – JoePa’s attempt at teaching a lesson to his players with mandatory stadium cleanups; more “slap on the wrist” accusations followed by more statistics that weren’t skewed in any sort of way to make PSU look like a thug program.

The segment was followed up by OTL host Bob Ley interviewing a couple of loud-mouthed morons from Philadelphia newspapers offering their two cents on PSU’s legal troubles (as if they know a damn thing about PSU football).

Stephen A. Smith was included amongst these said morons; lambasting JoePa for showing complete ignorance and lack of institutional control and calling for his immediate dismissal. Stephen A. then went on to praise the quality character of today’s NBA stars who do far worse things than drink and fight…

more about “Inside The “Outside The Lines” Segment“, posted with vodpod

JoePa Names A Successor

The recent resignation of Billy Packer from CBS’ college basketball coverage popped a “light bulb” into my head for a JoePa parody similar to Iowa blogger Oops Pow Surprise’s Joe Paterno Chronicles over at Black Heart Gold Pants. Of course, I couldn’t help myself, so I ended up actually writing the damn thing.

Before anyone accuses me of plagiarism, let the record show that I DID receive permission from Oops Pow Surprise himself to post this so long as I, in return, linked to his fine work (see above links) which I would highly recommend clicking on if you are not familiar with them (and for a good laugh or two). Also, don’t expect this to be a recurring sketch as this is most likely a one-time deal..unless of course OPS encourages me to do so otherwise.

With that being said, I am leaving for the DC area for an extended weekend so there won’t be any new blog posts ’til Monday. Enjoy the rest of your fine week…

The setting: CBS Sports President Sean McManus’ office

Billy, I called you into my office today to let you know that we’ve hired a new production assistant.

Okay…So what’s the background on the new, tough, monkey?

Well, he’s a recent graduate of George Mason, and while we normally don’t hire people straight out of college, we –

George Mason?!!? Have you lost your mind? George Mason has NO BUSINESS being in college basketball, NONE. And if Billy Packer says so, it must be true because Billy Packer is always right!

Look Billy, I know you like to believe that the George Mason Final Four run never happened and that St. Joseph’s was constantly playing six men on the court when they beat Wake Forest in the 2004 NCAA Tournament.

It’s not make-believe, it’s a fact! You can read all about it in my forthcoming book, “Mein Bracketkampf”

It’s a fancy play on some German phrase meaning “Create your own bracket” or something of that sort.

It also includes a chapter on why women should be excluded from all facets of men’s basketball..right down to checking for press passes at the entrance.

(silent disbelief)

I REFUSE to deal with George Mason in any which way, shape, or form.

This also includes people with the name “George” or “Mason” because they’re only one name away from being affiliated with that slimy, cheating, mid-major, trash program.

Well Billy, I’m standing by my hire, and if you’re not going to cooperate, then I’m going to find somebody else to do the job!

Fine! I never thought YOU of all people would “fag out” on me, but I’m outta here…Traitor! (storms out of room, slams the door)

(sigh) Thank god, I’ve been waiting for decades for a valid excuse to get rid of that grumpy old curmudgeon.

Mr. McManus, you have a call on line 2…It’s Joe Paterno.

(sigh) Not again. Alright, patch him in to me. I hope this is quick…

HELLO, THIS IS MISTER PATERNO. I AM CALLING TO EXPRESS MY INTEREST IN TAKING OVER YOUR VACANCY

ALL YOUR VACANCY ARE BELONG TO US.

ACTUALLY, I HEARD THAT BEING BLURTED FROM MY SON, JAY WHEN HE WAS PLAYING ONE OF HIS “TELEVISION GAMES.”

HE CLAIMS THESE GAMES HELP HIM CREATE THE PASSING PLAYS

THOUGH I MUST SAY THE DEFENSES IN THESE GAMES RUN AROUND MORE AIMLESSLY THAN MY FRAT BROTHERS AT BROWN UNIVERSITY.

Coach, what ‘vacancy’ do you speak of?

THE BASKETBALL JOB THAT MY FELLOW PAISAN, BILLY PACKER JUST QUIT FROM.

Umm, I’m pretty certain Billy Packer is not Italian…

SILENCE YOU POTATO-SKINNING POPPYCOCK! HE IS VERY MUCH SO AN ITALIAN.

WHEN HIS GRANDFATHER FIRST IMMIGRATED TO ELLIS ISLAND, HE SHORTENED HIS LAST NAME FROM ‘PACKERINI’

Whatever you say Coach, as for the Final Four job –

DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW I WAS CAPTAIN OF MY BASKETBALL TEAM AT BROWN?

WE WERE THE EPITOME OF ‘JUGGERNAUT’ BACK THEN.

I MYSELF, WAS KNOWN FOR MY KILLER TWO-HANDED GRANNY SHOT THAT LED THE IVY LEAGUE IN FIELD GOAL THROW PERCENTAGE

I ALSO SHUT DOWN BOB COUSY WHEN WE PLAYED HOLY CROSS MY SENIOR YEAR.

THE FRENCHIE COULDN’T EVEN GET A SHOT OFF.

Also, how did you find out about Billy’s resignation? He only left my office about a minute ago..

ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY TELEPATHIC POWERS?

Excuse me?

JOE PATERNO HAS LOTS AND LOTS OF POWERS.

Riiiight…As I was saying, we’ve already filled Billy Packer’s spot with Clark Kellogg.

CLARK KELLOGG? HE’S AN OHIO STATE GRAD, WHICH MEANS HE DOESN’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH.

Actually, we feel Clark is more than qualified enough for the job. Besides, don’t you have a football team to coach?

FOOTBALL TEAM?

Ummm, you ARE the head coach at Penn State last I checked.

NOPE, THAT’S IN THE PAST. I JUST ANNOUNCED TO THE PLAYERS AND RECRUITS THAT BILLY PACKER WILL BE TAKING OVER FOR ME EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

(Spits out his coffee) Whaaaat?

I ALWAYS WANTED A FELLOW PAISAN TO SUCCEED ME.

BESIDES, I DON’T FISH, I DON’T HUNT, I DON’T FLY ELECTRIC PLANES…HELL, I CAN’T EVEN DOWNLOAD A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER.

WHAT ELSE IS A GUY LIKE ME TO DO?

Umm Coach, I’m afraid you’re breaking up

WHAT?

Yeah, the phone lines have been acting up a little lately and I…(imitates ‘static noise’ and hangs up the phone)

HELLO? McMALLEY? WHERE ARE YOU McMALLEY?

YOU BEST NOT BE DOWNING ANOTHER ONE OF THEM WHISKEYS WITHOUT ME YOU DRUNKEN IRISH BASTARD.