JoePa Names A Successor

The recent resignation of Billy Packer from CBS’ college basketball coverage popped a “light bulb” into my head for a JoePa parody similar to Iowa blogger Oops Pow Surprise’s Joe Paterno Chronicles over at Black Heart Gold Pants. Of course, I couldn’t help myself, so I ended up actually writing the damn thing.

Before anyone accuses me of plagiarism, let the record show that I DID receive permission from Oops Pow Surprise himself to post this so long as I, in return, linked to his fine work (see above links) which I would highly recommend clicking on if you are not familiar with them (and for a good laugh or two). Also, don’t expect this to be a recurring sketch as this is most likely a one-time deal..unless of course OPS encourages me to do so otherwise.

With that being said, I am leaving for the DC area for an extended weekend so there won’t be any new blog posts ’til Monday. Enjoy the rest of your fine week…

The setting: CBS Sports President Sean McManus’ office

Billy, I called you into my office today to let you know that we’ve hired a new production assistant.

Okay…So what’s the background on the new, tough, monkey?

Well, he’s a recent graduate of George Mason, and while we normally don’t hire people straight out of college, we –

George Mason?!!? Have you lost your mind? George Mason has NO BUSINESS being in college basketball, NONE. And if Billy Packer says so, it must be true because Billy Packer is always right!

Look Billy, I know you like to believe that the George Mason Final Four run never happened and that St. Joseph’s was constantly playing six men on the court when they beat Wake Forest in the 2004 NCAA Tournament.

It’s not make-believe, it’s a fact! You can read all about it in my forthcoming book, “Mein Bracketkampf”

It’s a fancy play on some German phrase meaning “Create your own bracket” or something of that sort.

It also includes a chapter on why women should be excluded from all facets of men’s basketball..right down to checking for press passes at the entrance.

(silent disbelief)

I REFUSE to deal with George Mason in any which way, shape, or form.

This also includes people with the name “George” or “Mason” because they’re only one name away from being affiliated with that slimy, cheating, mid-major, trash program.

Well Billy, I’m standing by my hire, and if you’re not going to cooperate, then I’m going to find somebody else to do the job!

Fine! I never thought YOU of all people would “fag out” on me, but I’m outta here…Traitor! (storms out of room, slams the door)

(sigh) Thank god, I’ve been waiting for decades for a valid excuse to get rid of that grumpy old curmudgeon.

Mr. McManus, you have a call on line 2…It’s Joe Paterno.

(sigh) Not again. Alright, patch him in to me. I hope this is quick…

HELLO, THIS IS MISTER PATERNO. I AM CALLING TO EXPRESS MY INTEREST IN TAKING OVER YOUR VACANCY

ALL YOUR VACANCY ARE BELONG TO US.

ACTUALLY, I HEARD THAT BEING BLURTED FROM MY SON, JAY WHEN HE WAS PLAYING ONE OF HIS “TELEVISION GAMES.”

HE CLAIMS THESE GAMES HELP HIM CREATE THE PASSING PLAYS

THOUGH I MUST SAY THE DEFENSES IN THESE GAMES RUN AROUND MORE AIMLESSLY THAN MY FRAT BROTHERS AT BROWN UNIVERSITY.

Coach, what ‘vacancy’ do you speak of?

THE BASKETBALL JOB THAT MY FELLOW PAISAN, BILLY PACKER JUST QUIT FROM.

Umm, I’m pretty certain Billy Packer is not Italian…

SILENCE YOU POTATO-SKINNING POPPYCOCK! HE IS VERY MUCH SO AN ITALIAN.

WHEN HIS GRANDFATHER FIRST IMMIGRATED TO ELLIS ISLAND, HE SHORTENED HIS LAST NAME FROM ‘PACKERINI’

Whatever you say Coach, as for the Final Four job –

DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW I WAS CAPTAIN OF MY BASKETBALL TEAM AT BROWN?

WE WERE THE EPITOME OF ‘JUGGERNAUT’ BACK THEN.

I MYSELF, WAS KNOWN FOR MY KILLER TWO-HANDED GRANNY SHOT THAT LED THE IVY LEAGUE IN FIELD GOAL THROW PERCENTAGE

I ALSO SHUT DOWN BOB COUSY WHEN WE PLAYED HOLY CROSS MY SENIOR YEAR.

THE FRENCHIE COULDN’T EVEN GET A SHOT OFF.

Also, how did you find out about Billy’s resignation? He only left my office about a minute ago..

ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY TELEPATHIC POWERS?

Excuse me?

JOE PATERNO HAS LOTS AND LOTS OF POWERS.

Riiiight…As I was saying, we’ve already filled Billy Packer’s spot with Clark Kellogg.

CLARK KELLOGG? HE’S AN OHIO STATE GRAD, WHICH MEANS HE DOESN’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH.

Actually, we feel Clark is more than qualified enough for the job. Besides, don’t you have a football team to coach?

FOOTBALL TEAM?

Ummm, you ARE the head coach at Penn State last I checked.

NOPE, THAT’S IN THE PAST. I JUST ANNOUNCED TO THE PLAYERS AND RECRUITS THAT BILLY PACKER WILL BE TAKING OVER FOR ME EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

(Spits out his coffee) Whaaaat?

I ALWAYS WANTED A FELLOW PAISAN TO SUCCEED ME.

BESIDES, I DON’T FISH, I DON’T HUNT, I DON’T FLY ELECTRIC PLANES…HELL, I CAN’T EVEN DOWNLOAD A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER.

WHAT ELSE IS A GUY LIKE ME TO DO?

Umm Coach, I’m afraid you’re breaking up

WHAT?

Yeah, the phone lines have been acting up a little lately and I…(imitates ‘static noise’ and hangs up the phone)

HELLO? McMALLEY? WHERE ARE YOU McMALLEY?

YOU BEST NOT BE DOWNING ANOTHER ONE OF THEM WHISKEYS WITHOUT ME YOU DRUNKEN IRISH BASTARD.

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