This Just In: NBC Likes Sodomy

June 21, 2008

Well, it’s official: NBC will continue to be known unofficially as the “Notre Dame Broadcasting Channel” for another 7 years, thanks to an extension of their current contract with the Fightin’ Irish.

NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol said the network doesn’t look at year-to-year results when it comes to Notre Dame, calling the football program a premier brand that defines the network as much as the Olympics, the NFL and the U.S. Open golf championship.
“We’re big believers in how Notre Dame time and time again over all these generations has maintained its strength,” he said. “I don’t see that going away.”

Financial terms of the contract were not disclosed, although Ebersol said the contract is a flat fee and not based on ratings. The current contract that expires in 2010 is reported to be worth $9 million a year.

Ebersol said the important thing for Notre Dame, which hasn’t won a national championship since 1988, is to be in the race to be a top 10 team in most years “for it to be a wildly successful arrangement.”

“We go into this thinking that if the vast majority of the years has Notre Dame competitive in that top 10 or for that top 10 through the majority of the season, then we’ll be very happy,” he said.

The Irish have finished the season ranked 10th or higher just three times in the 17 years its home games have been televised on NBC — No. 4 in 1992, No. 2 in 1993 and No. 9 in 2005. They have finished ranked in the Top 25 in seven other seasons and finished .500 or worse five times.

Well Mr. Ebersol, if it’s mediocrity you want, it’s mediocrity you’ll get. I guess that’s why your network has lost out over the years on college football (sans ND), college basketball, the NBA (along with the greatest theme song in sports history), the NFL (sans Sunday night games and the Super Bowl), and MLB. When the greatest things your network can boast are coverage of a quadrennial sporting event like the Olympics, you know you’ve stooped to new lows.

Might I suggest taking a page from ABC’s Saturday Night Football promos when coming up with your own commercials for this football season?

Did I also neglect to mention that NBC won’t be getting any primetime lovin’ from ND?

“We just feel it’s very disruptive for our students, for the academic life at the university to have a game at night,” (ND president, Reverend) Jenkins said. “NBC has always been accommodating to us on that even though their viewership increases as the game gets later.”

Talk about a school that cares: I can’t blame them for not wanting to ruin their student body’s Saturday nights full of book reading, problem solving, and group project meetings by having 8 PM kickoffs.

I would comment even more on this breaking news but the weekend has arrived which means…NOW’S ZE TIME ON SHPROCKETS VHEN VE DANCE!

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Surprise Recruits and Hospital Visits

May 15, 2008

Today, Irish Eyes have a very sinister look upon a certain 5-star recruit straight out of Scranton. You see, Eric Shrive, the #3 Offensive Tackle in the country who was once thought to be all but a lock to go to Notre Dame realized he was making a great mistake and reportedly has now verballed to Penn State. There is no doubt this 6’7″ 300-pound behemoth is a huge grab, especially with all the criticism that has plagued the coaching staff lately regarding recruiting and it just makes me want to say:

“YESSSSSS! YESSSSSS! I HAVE…EXORCIIIIIIIISED THE DEMONS……This house is clear.”

Also, in related news: JoePa was admitted to the hospital this morning after a bout of dehydration-related nausea…I guess he finally realized himself that he’s run out of excuses for losing to Michigan.


You Know Notre Dame Sucks When…

October 20, 2007

SNL features them in one of its mock commercials.  Perhaps I should make a concerted effort to start watching the show again?


Week 2 Recap – “Celebrity Jeopardy” Style

September 10, 2007

Another wild weekend in college football has come and gone and this year is already shaping up to be one of the most exciting in recent college football history. The storyline of this past weekend were the numerous upsets courtesy of South Florida, Oregon, South Carolina, and Washington plus the near-upsets of Wisconsin and Hawaii.

I am not bothering with a detailed post-game analysis on our victory over ND, the rest of the PSU bloggers have done that. However, I should say that the Big Ten in general looks weeeeeak. We definitely did not look like a team that during normal years would have a shot at winning the conference, but this isn’t any ordinary year: Michigan is setting futility records, Ohio State suffers from a lack of offensive firepower (we have the firepower, we just can’t seem to utilize it as much as we should), and Wisconsin needed a last-minute TD to avoid losing to a “2 wins in 2006” UNLV squad.

Instead, I’m going to have some fun here and attempt to recap the weekend by using quotes from the greatest series of SNL sketches ever. I’m talking of course, about “Celebrity Jeopardy.”

The day is mine! I’ll take “Famous Titties” for 400. – The day certainly did belong to Washington QB Jake Locker, whose talents I praised this past weekend in correctly predicting that Boise State would get upset by the Huskies. Locker’s passing numbers weren’t the most eye-popping (13/25 193 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) but he ran like hell over the Boise defense, 16 carries for 84 yards and a score. I really think Ohio State is in for a rude awakening this upcoming Saturday as the whole nation will finally get to see Locker in action (it’s a 3:30 kickoff on ABC).

We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I’d be eligible! – Miami and Oklahoma met again for the first time since the 1980’s when Barry Switzer’s Sooners were swept three straight times by Jimmy Johnson’s ‘Canes. Unfortunately for the ‘Canes, it wasn’t the same old song and dance as they ended up on the wrong end of a 51-13 ass beating. Perhaps Miami head coach Randy Shannon should re-consider the “no guns” policy he enacted…

“Yeah, I speak a little French: You’re an ass-bite, pardon my French!” – If East Carolina didn’t already expose Virginia Tech as a faux-Top 10 team last week then LSU’s beatdown in Baton Rouge left no doubt in people’s minds that the Hokies don’t belong in the Top 25, let alone the Top 10. Watching the Virginia Tech offense operate is like watching Muhammad Ali try to partake in a game of “Jenga.”

I’ve spent five years of my life trying to invent an “anal bum cover”, failing to do so is my greatest regret! – South Florida has spent the previous ten years of its collegiate football existence trying to garner that “program-changing” win. Last year they beat West Virginia on the road, which certainly was a big deal. However, that is child’s play compared to beating a storied SEC program like Auburn on their home turf. Auburn was practically trying to hand USF the game with their 5 turnovers and should have gotten whooped. Fortunately for Auburn, USF kicker Delbert Alvarado has no concept of kicking accuracy (2-for-6 on field goals), if you saw the way he shanked most of his kicks you know where I’m coming from.

Somebody needs to remind Delbert what sport he’s playing, you can’t bend it like Beckham and expect to kick it through those narrow uprights most of the time…Speaking of kicking, does anyone want to bet that Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville isn’t kicking himself for sitting on the ball with 49 seconds left in regulation and playing for OT instead of trying to drive down the field for a potential game-winning field goal?

None of you knows? No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold? Thank God! Keanu Reeves. Is it “Iced tea”? No! It’s hot tea! Well then, I have no idea! – Anthony Morelli had some nice throws that very few QBs could connect on, but he also made his share of foolish mistakes. This was particularly true when it came to the concept of checking down on his receivers. There was one play where Deon Butler was streaking down the left sideline, at least five yards ahead of his defender and my entire section noticed this and was just waiting for Morelli to release a potential TD strike but alas, AM was too busy staring down the right side of the field where he would ultimately throw an incomplete pass.

I’m willing to chalk this up as a bad day for AM but I can’t help but wonder if perhaps FIU and Tennessee’s defenses were just THAT incompetent?

Morelli may know kung-fu, but can he utilize it when needed?

I’m gonna play it safe: I’ll wager $0. – Charlie Weis had the right game plan for Jimmy Clausen, throw a bunch of swing passes and 5-10 yard out patterns along with the occassional shot down the field. However, I can’t help but wonder if Weis was throwing in the towel when he was still going with this same “play it safe” strategy with ND trailing by 2 TD’s in the 4th quarter. Eventually, Clausen was forced to start taking some risks but not before the outcome of the game was no longer in doubt.

I should say this about Clausen though: The kid showed a ton of poise for this being his first ever start and in one of the most hostile of environments against one of the most feared defenses in the country. Clausen was running for his life many times and was sacked 6 times but not once did he get roped into making a foolish play (which is was 99 out of 100 freshmen QB’s making their debut on the road would do). The interception in the end zone late in the game was not really Clausen’s fault as his receiver could only get a hand on it and tipped it into King’s hands.

Bottom line: Clausen will be the real deal sooner than you think. It only makes this upcoming weekend’s cripple fight with Michigan all the more intriguing.

Speaking of Michigan…

That’s nice, you put a “Kick Me” sign on Mr. Travolta’s back… – Oregon took a page out of Boise State’s playbook in their 39-7 romp of Michigan. QB Dennis Dixon gave the ball to RB Jonathan Stewart on the old “Statue of Liberty” play (or as Jon Stewart likes to call it: “NAMBLA”), which still ended up being about a 20-yard gain for Stewart when a Michigan defender failed to tackle him in the backfield.

Now, let’s take a look Mr. Reynolds’ answer: “Check Out Keaton’s Back.” – A couple plays later on that same drive, Dennis Dixon called a FAKE Statue of Liberty and ran into the end zone untouched. I don’t think I’ve ever burst into laughter over a football highlight as much as I did when I first watched it. Are you kidding me? First, you snuff out a real SOL play which only ended up in positive yardage because Michigan apparently no longer teaches its players to tackle and on top of that, you get completely tricked by a FAKE SOL play? Wow, just wow.

Burt Reynolds would be proud of Oregon’s trickery

“He is the current U.S. President…He has white hair, and you’ve probably seen him in the news…His first name is ‘Bill’….Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently…His last name is Clinton!…His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, ‘Who is Bill Clinton?’. Someone just say it! Anyone? [ buzzer sounds ] …And the show has reached a new low.

– The state of the Michigan football program? Complete disarray. A week after suffering the greatest upset in college football history, the Wolverines came out flat and uninspired against Oregon. That hasn’t stopped this year’s planet Earth nominee for “Biggest Douche In The Universe” Mike Hart from guaranteeing victory over Notre Dame this upcoming weekend.

Earth to Mike: if your teammates display the same kind of tackling skills they showed these first two games, you’re in for a rude awakening when Jimmy Clausen dinks and dunks you guys to death.

Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh ..seven.. uh, seven different catagories.. – Like Jeff Goldblum, Lloyd Carr is sitting at his podium doing tai-chi, oblivious to the fact that the entire fan base hates him and wishes he were already canned. This simply makes his post-game press conferences all the more awkward/amusing.

See the difference? Me either.


Blue-White Roundtable

September 5, 2007

Thanks to Nick and Galen at The Nittany Line for coming up with this week’s questions for outer-circle members like myself to mooch from. RUTS, BSD, TINNOMJ, WilliamYurasko and newcomer to the inner-circle, The Nittany Blog also have some quality responses. Anyway, let’s cut to the chase…

1. Which is worse: having your parachute fail to open while skydiving or losing to Appalachian State?

After seeing one of the most disturbing YouTube videos ever on RUTS, I’m gonna go with losing to App State…at least the parachuter survived.

2. Is it too early to worry about the running game?

Let’s put it this way: Remember last year when everyone started panicking about our ground game after it struggled mightily against Akron? Well, the next week Tony Hunt got 74 yards on 12 carries (6.2 avg) and went on to have several solid games throughout the season. If we could run it to a certain degree of success on ND last year with an O-line that wasn’t as good as this year’s, I don’t see why we can’t do it again this Saturday.

3. Is just a win enough to satisfy you this weekend against Notre Dame or are there qualifiers on a victory to make it acceptable?

I’ll be greatly disappointed if we win by less than 30 points…I keed! I keed!(sort of). I’ll accept any margin of victory so long as the defense gives Jimmy Clausen several “Welcome To College Football” moments, Scott/Kinlaw/Royster go “Speedy Gonzales” on the ground, and Morelli lights up the ND secondary like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.

Lightning Round

Got a ticket, praying for a ticket, or watching the game somewhere else this weekend?

Luckily for me, my dad has had 2 season tickets since 1994 so there will be a ticket waiting for me when I go home to State College this Friday. I’ll be up in Section NA, 38th row (basically, in the area where the visitor’s tunnel is located) just like the good ol’ days of grade school.

What non-PSU game are you looking forward to this weekend?

I’m most interested in seeing how Michigan attempts to bounce back against Oregon. Unfortunately, it’s a 3:30 PM kickoff and I’ll likely be out tailgating by that time so unless there happens to be somebody with a TV hookup nearby, I may be out of luck. I know TCU-Texas is a 7 PM kickoff so hopefully I can get home in time after our game to see if TCU is giving the ‘Horns as much of a run as Arkansas State did last week. I’m not particularly interested in the game that follows us on ESPN, I’m talking Virginia Tech-LSU. LSU is going to blow VT right out of the water.


Thank You Touchdown Jesus!!!

September 4, 2007

After coming off one of the greatest weekends ever for a PSU fan (PSU winning handily while Michigan, Notre Dame, and Florida State tail-spinned towards defeat), I figured things would die down a bit before this upcoming Saturday’s showdown with the Fightin’ Irish.

But lo and behold, Fat Charlie is pulling out the stops and naming Jimmy Clausen the starting QB for this upcoming Saturday!  This is far and away the greatest news I’ve heard so far this week, what better way to get your QB his first career start than against a top-notch defense led by one of the most destructive linebacker/secondary groups in the country in a stadium that features what Kirk Herbstreit once called “The best student section in the country”?  This also adds more fuel to our defense’s fire…as if they weren’t already motivated enough by last year’s embarrassment in South Bend.  Now, our defense will make damn sure that they don’t get beat at home by a freshman prima-donna lining up under center.   Look for Clausen to suffer a beat-down similar to that South Park episode where the Pee-wee hockey players get completely annihilated by the Detroit Red Wings.