Jay Paterno: “Rocket Man?”

November 21, 2008

jaypa-astronaut-jones

According to The Sporting News it appears JayPa is their favorite to take over the vacant head coaching position of the Toledo Rockets program:

The fit: Jay Paterno, Penn State assistant coach. He wanted the job in 2000 when Toledo hired Tom Amstutz to replace Gary Pinkel. JayPa isn’t going to get the Penn State job, and he’s ready to lead his own program.

I really hope SN’s “fit” actually comes into fruition. I am not saying this out of my normal disdain for JayPa but rather because it’s time for him to spread his wings, get out from under his father’s shadow, and try his hand at a head coaching gig.

PSU’s unprecedented success this season can be attributed in part to Jay’s Spread HD offense, which would be a fine fit in an offense-happy conference like the MAC. This could be the peaking point for JayPa’s head coaching stock and now is the time for him to strike while the iron’s glowing red hot.

And you know what else? I’d wish Jay the best of luck and hope that he’s successful in such an endeavor so he would make the PSU coaching tree look good for a change…I’m totally serial.

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Your Moment Of Zen

June 28, 2008

You know, all of this past week’s criticism of Jay Paterno blogging about Barack Obama when he should be busy implementing his “Spread HD” offense got me thinking of another disaster that plagued the Democratic party 20 years ago.

I’m talking of course, about Michael Dukakis’ infamous “tank pose” photo in response to criticism from Bush Sr. that he was “too soft on defense.” Such a stunt (along with allowing some murderer named Willie Horton free weekend passes out of prison and responding “No” in a very non-chalant fashion when asked during a CNN debate whether he would support the death penalty if somebody were to rape and kill his wife) resulted in a total backfire and Dukakis was eaten up like PSU’s secondary in the latter half of last season come election night, 1988.

They say that “history repeats itself.” Well, for cripe’s sake, I sure hope that repetitive moment won’t be arriving anytime soon…

YES…WE…CAN!!!


JayPa Shoots His Eye Out (Again)

June 22, 2008

As I mentioned in a recent post, Jay Paterno decided that sabotaging PSU football wasn’t enough and thus has started up a blog on Barack Obama’s website.

Well, it seems like the Jay-bashers have gotten a whiff of the stench emanating from the nether-regions of “YES WE CAN-ville” and have left him quite a few words of wisdom in the “Comments” section of one his more recent blog posts.

Because there’s so many comments (43 as of the time of this writing) and they’re all so goddamned hilarious to the point where Yours Truly was practically in tears, I’ll leave you with just a tasty sample of what you can expect:

Here’s a post from a rather pissed-off Galen Hall. How pissed off was he? More pissed off than the time Jay left a burning bag of dog poop on his front doorstep.

By Galen from State College, PA Jun 20th 2008 at 1:58 pm EDT
Jay,What are you doing responding on a stupid blog at 10:02 am???

We were scheduled to go over some offensive schemes at 9:45.

I swear, you are lucky you have blood-ties to Coach Paterno, you snivelling little buffoon. I don’t know why I bother even showing up for meetings with you anymore. All you do is stare at the TV screen playing some nonsense football video game, yammering about “one more touchdown and I get the high score.”

Kid, I have no idea what this program is in for when your father retires, but I pray it has NOTHING in the cards with your hand in it. Next thing you know, you’ll be making the team practice in tie-dyes and sing Koombayah before you have a “teambuilding” activity like a flag-burning.

Asking a recruit if he’s registered to vote and if he is a Democrat or Republican is NOT an effective recruiting tool either, you snot.

My blood pressure is rising, time for my afternoon nap.

Jay even did a little sparring with a fellow poster who suggested he spend more time improving a disgustingly mediocre offense instead of blogging about Obama.

By Joe Eb from York, PA Jun 20th 2008 at 9:52 am EDT
And Jay you should be worrying about the offense of a college football team that has a LOT of questions, not blogging about Obama.

By Jay Paterno Jun 20th 2008 at 10:02 am EDT
For your information our offense was #1 in the Big Ten last year in the only two categories that we really look at: the key situations of Red Zone and Third Downs (and to a lesser extent 4th downs where we ranked #7 in the nation).

…And to a lesser extent, #8 in the Big Ten in Passing Offense (You are a fucking QB COACH after all, Jay), #5 in Rushing Offense, #7 in Total Offense, #8 in Pass Efficiency, and #1 in Penalties.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding? Such stats are meaningless when you’re desperately trying to establish yourself as more than just a “Daddy’s Boy” who’s as qualified to coach QBs as I am to fly an F-16.

RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH!!!!

Click here to continue laughing


Postcards From HHV

June 18, 2008

The picture above summarizes what I’ve has been up to for nearly the past week: Hanging out with my close friend in Southern California while soaking in the sunshine and sea breeze. This particular shot was taken on the Santa Monica pier.

Santa Monica’s pier wasn’t too different from your average pier/boardwalk, it featured the typical mini-amusement park, funnel cake stands, cheap t-shirt places, and restaurants. However, I did make quite the harrowing discovery that may shock all of you long-time State College residents/older PSU alums.

Behold! Playland’s new home, after moving out of the State College area five years ago. It didn’t dawn upon me at the time to take pictures but I certainly wish I had done so now that I’m writing this post.

Basically, this is not the Playland you fondly recall: They removed all the good games (including my favorite, “Track and Field,” gotta love the rolling ball controller) and replaced them with crappier ones that you’d expect to find in a Wal-Mart. Ergo, my friend and I were relegated to playing air hockey, foosball, and an arcade import of “Super Mario Bros” which had several changes not seen in the Nintendo version that ensured one could not beat the game without pumping in at least $5.00 worth of quarters…damned capitalists!

My friend and I also watched both Games 4 and 5 of the NBA Finals at local bars. Game 4 was quite amusing, nothing like being one of the few Boston supporters in the house and hearing a deathly silence as the comeback was being completed while drawing everyone’s sinister attention by clapping after every clutch play by the Celtics. I also was coincidentally wearing a green shirt and ordered a Sam Adams lager that night, which led to the waitress thinking I was a native of Boston…Not that there’s anything wrong with that (aside from the fact that my accent is a far cry from the “I pahk my cah in the Havahd yahd!” dialect).

Enough of that though, I’m going to ease back into this by providing you with some quality reading material from the blogopshere..and by “blogosphere,” I mean the following:

  • Kevin at Black Shoe Diaries provides a further look into the “It’s already signed, sealed, and delivered but for the sake of leaving message board geeks hanging in the balance, we’re holding off on an official announcement” agreement between the Big Ten Network and Comcast. FINALLY! I can watch PSU destroy juggernauts like Coastal Carolina and Indiana without suffering from the discomfort of second-hand bar smoke.
  • Iowa Hawkeye blogger Black Heart Gold Pants continues to impress with his hilarious Joe Paterno parodies. In his latest adventure, JoePa learns to use the internet for purposes other than “downloading a jar of peanut butter.”
  • Jay Paterno on the other hand, can not only download a jar of peanut butter but can also blog on Barack Obama’s website about his favorite presidental candidate, the NBA Finals, and the Spread HD offense.  Alright Jay, it’s bad enough that you screwed our program over in recruiting and are currently screwing over our QBs, but for gods sake: LEAVE BARACK OBAMA ALONE!!!
  • Last but not least, Bill Simmons offers his orgasmic thoughts on the Celtics’ 17th NBA title. Additionally, the article is also believed to be the only recorded piece of Bill Simmons literature to contain absolutely zero references to either “Hoosiers” or “The Karate Kid”

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out, Jay!

December 24, 2007

Well, it’s that time of the year again: TBS will commence with its “24 Hours Of A Christmas Story” marathon tonight. Perhaps this year, I’ll try out the unofficial drinking game that goes along with it.

Also, to get you in the mood: Here’s a hilarious parody created a few years back from the creative minds at X-Entertainment, Ralphie Goes To Hell

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I want an official Anthony Morelli, carbine action, 200-INT range model quarterback!


JoePa L. Smith?

November 18, 2007

Are you kidding me? Does this coaching staff know how to make adjustments? Do they like to abandon playcalling that actually works? Does anybody understand the words that are coming out of JoePa’s mouth? Has Morelli been practicing for his gig in insurance sales? Does anyone feel Justin King would be better off pursuing a career in figure skating with all those spins he does when trying to cover an opposing receiver?

I could go on and on with the questions but my point is, Penn State football hit a new low today. For the first time in well… EVER, we blew a 17 point lead…to Michigan State. It was straight out of the Bizarro World, a “Reverse Sparty” if you will, the only thing missing was JoePa slapping himself in the face at the post-game press conference.

To re-hash some of the embarrassing details for you: We went up 24-7 early in the 3rd quarter after Kevin Kelly ran a fake field goal into the end zone for what seemed like a back-breaking touchdown. Boy, did we not know what we were in for: From there on, things went downhill fast as we allowed MSU to put up 28 points in the second half. The culprits? Our non-existent secondary of course, and Tom Bradley having his defensive unit play crap-tastic zone defenses that continually left MSU’s stud wideout Devin Thomas and tight end Kellen Davis wide open enough to go over 100 yards receiving each, combining for 11 catches for 245 yards receiving and 3 TDs. Visions of 1997 were coming back to me again, when we allowed two MSU tailbacks to run for over 200 yards on us in a blowout loss, never a good a sign when that starts happening.

Once Sparty went ahead and it came down to Morelli having to lead us from behind late in the 4th quarter, I knew the game was over then and there…Until Ki-Jana Carter magically re-appeared in uniform to spell for an injured Rodney Kinlaw and ran roughshod over everybody…Okay, not quite, but Brent Carter, a fourth-string tailback who ironically enough wears #32, helped get us inside MSU’s 25-yard line all by himself until the coaches decided that they were too successful with that plan and decided to have Morelli throw the ball FOUR STRAIGHT TIMES! Each pass ended in an incompletion of course, and the choke job was complete. Did JoePa really want his inept son and his rented mule of a QB to be the heroes of the game that badly? How else do you explain the sudden curtailing of Carter’s carries? It’s not as if MSU’s defense was suddenly going to figure out how to stop him.

Great minds think alike…

Hands down, this was the worst loss I’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing and having followed PSU football since 1991, I’ve seen my share of tough and downright embarrassing losses. We were a team that had long prided itself on defense and we pulled off the greatest choke job in JoePa’s career. If Joe has any sense of dignity he will decline the bowl bid and stay at home for the holidays. It also wouldn’t hurt for him to retire before Graham Spanier has to force his hand. I can’t take another minute of this garbage let alone another 3.5 hours…Good riddance!

Thank goodness the basketball team is at least showing some promise, kicking the living crap out of Canisius, 93-40. It’s very refreshing to watch a PSU team that plays up-tempo, scores points, and displays man-to-man defense, not to mention they also have a lot more depth compared to previous years… and this is with an injured Jamelle Cornley on the sidelines.

Anyway, the hoops squad has a big Thanksgiving holiday tournament coming up: The Old Spice Classic down in Disney’s Wide World Of Sports complex. Their first game is at Noon on ESPN2 Thanksgiving day against South Carolina. Hmm, I think I see some “live-blogging” potential for that one. Stay tuned…

Last but not least, it appears that my Big Ten Power Rankings are kind of a big deal for Iowa sports fans. Scroll down to the “Friday, November 16th” links to see what I’m talking about.