Only In Central PA…

Being that there’s nothing really noteworthy regarding off-season talk, I figured I’d provide you with a couple amusing articles I dug up from my local and college newspapers.

First, some poor sap got pulled over for a DUI the other day…On a riding lawnmower.

State police at Clearfield were called to a report of an intoxicated man riding a lawnmower on state Route 53 between Osceola Mills and Houtzdale about 6:30 p.m. Police said they found William Edward Krause, 45, of Ramey, riding his Craftsman II 14 HP lawnmower on Sterling Road in Woodward Township, Clearfield County. He was under the influence of alcohol, police said.

The video below probably gives you a good visual description of how everything might’ve played out.

Also, the top story in yesterday’s Daily Collegian involved one State College resident having a very shitty time (literally).

I have to give props to the reporter for a giving a rather detailed account of what happened:

John O’Brien began his day yesterday with his pants around his ankles, scrambling for cover as a fountain of sewer water and waste erupted into his bathroom.
“I was doing my business, sitting on my toilet, and the toilet blew sewer water into my butt,” he said.

The unlucky resident also offered some words of wisdom that makes us men all want to say “Right on, brother!”

The State College resident started his day the way he always does. He woke up, drank a cup of coffee, grabbed a book and relaxed on his porcelain throne — “The toilet is where a man does his best thinking,” O’Brien said.

I myself, have come up with quite a few ideas for this blog while dropping the Cosby Kids off at the pool. Though I’ve never actually attempted to simultaneously write a blog post and handle my business at the same time.

If it’s as cool though as the dude above makes it seem, I’ll have to give it a shot…

Your Moment Of Zen

I’ll try to make this a recurring segment every Friday where I leave you with a random video you might enjoy for the weekend. And yes, this is just a temporary name until I can figure up a more creative name involving the word “Weekend.” Any suggestions from my 10 or so readers would be appreciated.

Anywho, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an Angry Video Game Nerd video up here but trust me on this one, if you owned any of the crazy Nintendo contraptions like the Light Gun, or Power Pad, this review will give you a shot of nostalgia right in the kisser.

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Eh, It’s Nothing…Just A Slight Pinch.

As a former high school track athlete myself, my biggest fear always was being accidentally nailed by a flying javelin.

However, I must give major props to one particular photojournalist whose first reaction upon taking one of those sharp things through the skin was to deal with it like an Asian tourist would.

Utah photog captures own javelin-spearing accident at track meet
PROVO, Utah (AP) — A newspaper photographer got a little too close to the action at the state high school track championships — and was speared through the leg by a javelin.
Ryan McGeeney of the Standard-Examiner was spared serious injury Saturday, and even managed to snap a photo of his speared leg while others tended to him.

“If I didn’t, it would probably be my editor’s first question when I got back,” McGeeney said.

The 33-year-old McGeeney, an ex-Marine who spent six months in Afghanistan, was taking pictures of the discus event and apparently wandered into off-limits area set aside for the javelin.

Striking just below the knee, the javelin tip went through the skin and emerged on the other side of his leg.

“It wasn’t real painful. … I was very lucky in that it didn’t hit any blood vessels, nerves, ligaments or tendons,” McGeeney said.

Much of the javelin was cut off at the scene. The piece in McGeeney’s leg was removed at a hospital, and he received 13 stitches.

The javelin was thrown by Anthony Miles, a Provo High School student who said his “heart just stopped” when he saw what happened.

“One of the first things that came to my mind was, ‘Good thing we brought a second javelin,”‘ Miles’ coach, Richard Vance, said Monday. He said Miles was “in a little bit of shock,” but he assured the athlete it was not his fault.

With a subsequent throw, Miles went on to win the state title in javelin for teams in Provo High’s size classification, 4-A.

These Three Things I KNOW Are True

1. If you’re doing a news story about an underage drinking party getting busted, you’d better get your facts 100% straight. Otherwise, you’ll face the wrath of scores of angry, four-letter word-dropping, teens who make a sailor’s vocab seem clean as a Baptist minister’s. Here’s a sample of one such post for your entertainment (ah, youth):
   

   HAHAHAHa
   number one- mom did not buy the alchohol
   number two- that bottle of captain behind the cerial box was mine, i want it back!
   number three- them cooronas that were on the little bar stool by the window in the kitchen were mine too i also want those
   number four- FU**CK U PIGS! ur just mad cus wen u were kids u were busy being molested by ur drunkin fathers while everyone else was at the partys!
   O BTW
   mike stampone tribute party is guna be thrown this summer!!!
   for those of you that know me hit me up
   peace b-i-t-c-hes

2. TheDailyShow.com and Stuff White People Like are swiftly becoming my most frequently visited sites as of late…The best part about the Daily Show site is that you can watch video clips dating all the way back to when Jon Stewart took over for Craig Kilborn nearly a decade ago. In case you’re curious: Here’s a clip of the first few minutes of Stewart’s very first show on January 11, 1999
3. Now that Tennessee b-ball coach Bruce Pearl has been single for several months, he no longer hesitates to get “touchy-feely” with the younger ladies…That’s why I find it a shocker that it took him until this past Saturday’s showdown with Memphis to get up close and personal with Erin Andrews.

Go Go Gadget Beatbox!

This video alone makes me want to pick up and learn what has long been stereotyped as a rather feminine instrument…

“Houts” and About

It’s official: “Mom and pop” stores in State College are now extinct. O.W. Houts is closing its doors after 88 years in business.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Houts. This is probably due to the fact that State College opened its first Wal-Mart when I was only in first grade, and Houts was basically Wal-Mart w/furniture afterwards.   Not to mention, prices were much cheaper at Wal-Mart.

However, I’m sure that about as recently as 20-25 years ago Houts used to be THE PLACE for State College residents to get their hardware, office materials, groceries, and other supplies. Back then, there were no Wal-Marts or Lowes or Office Depots for people to go to, just the local businesses…At least, that’s how I seem to recall things back in the late 80’s. Perhaps any of you older alums/State College residents who might be reading this could fill me in?

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Running Diary (Say What?)

I kid you not: A few nights ago I decided to keep a running diary during my annual viewing of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. It was only appropriate to do so after viewing arguably the greatest X-mas TV special of all time approximately 25,000 times since the age of three. Plus, if there’s one area that the oh-so-saturated “live blog” hasn’t touched yet, it’s shows like these.

I also discovered a very well-put together site dedicated to Rudolph that has the entire video uploaded so you can actually follow along with the commentary below. Isn’t technology grand? Anyway, enough shooting the breeze: Let’s get to the good part.

9 PM – Ready to begin viewing #25,001. I’ve got the DVD popped into the DVD player along with my good friend Sam Adams by my side…Let’s light the candle on this baby!

9:02 – You gotta love how this story is being told in the past tense from the perspective of a Snowman named Sam, who looks a tad dressed like Kevin Spacey in “The Usual Suspects” (minus the hat and stopwatch) I smell a parody a-brewin’…

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Keyser Rudolph didn’t exist…

9:04 – Holy alliteration, Batman! Donner, Rudolph’s father, just blurted out “His beak blinks like a blinkin’ beacon!” in first response to that abnormal nose.

9:07 – Donner, while spazzing out over that shiny red nose of his son’s, reverts to such drastic measures as covering Rudolph’s nose with charcoal…Just like the “Black White Supremacist” Clayton Bigsby had his body completely covered from head to toe in a KKK outfit around white men in that Chappelle’s Show sketch.

Who would’ve thought someone would manage to link these two characters together? WHIIITE POWERRRR!

9:08 – Ah yes, our first mention of the Abominable Snowman (also known as the “Bumble”): So scary that Sam needs to cover himself with an umbrella just to talk about it.

Fear The Bumble.

9:09 – Hermey, the main elf character, has just told his boss (who shall herein be referred to as the “Elf Boss”) that he’d like to be a Dentist. Consider this the 1964 equivalent of an elf coming out of the closet…

9:12 – Alright, we’re at the “Elf practice” scene now and the Elf Boss’ voice has suddenly gotten much higher in pitch compared to the deep, stereotypical “grumbling boss” voice I heard not too long ago. Did the original voice actor go AWOL halfway through the production process? Did one of the producers while drunk of their rocker, mess around with the sound controls one night and after sobering up the next day decided: “Fuck it, let’s just keep it in there for comedic value”?

9:13 – And the elves (minus Hermey) are currently putting on a practice session of one of their songs in front of Santa. This scene also recently inspired yet another Soulja Boy parody.

9:14 – Santa is not amused with the rehearsal and the Elf Boss is pissed because apparently Hermey carries the tenor section like Billy Corgan carries the Smashing Pumpkins.

9:15 – Ah yes, the does are out to watch the young reindeer make fools out of themselves at the annual “Reindeer Games.” Rudolph also gets acquainted with a fellow reindeer named Fireball, whose name is actually quite fitting considering the flamer that he is.

9:16 – Rudolph is now about to try and put the moves on one of the does, Clarice. It’s about as awkward as seeing Lou Holtz give a pep talk to Notre Dame this year before playing Duke in football.

9:17 – Clarice has just told Rudolph she thinks he’s cute and suddenly Rudolph can take off like Spud Webb.

9:18 – Fuck, gotta take the trash out quickly. I’ll be back in 10 min hopefully.

9:34 – And there we go, Clayton Bigsby’s identity is revealed at a “White Power” rally…And Rudolph’s charcoal cover has come off his nose, unleashing a Pandora’s Box of bigotry amongst his peers.

9:36 – Clarice has now in an effort to cheer Rudolph up, started singing “There’s Always Tomorrow…” or as I like to call it, the Penn State basketball theme song.

There’s always tomorrow, Eddie…

9:39 – So apparently Hermey and Rudolph are such outcasts that fish come out of the frozen ponds to spit in their faces.

9:40 – Quick Sam, cover yourself…You’re talking about Bumbles again!

9:41 – Ah yes, our first glimpse of Yukon Cornelius, Greatest Prospector of the North. Gotta love how he throws up his ice pick into the air and licks it, hoping that he just magically grabbed a flying piece of gold straight out of the sky. If he’s truly the “greatest prospector of the North” then that would make me the greatest blogger of the Penn State community.

This is what becomes of people who ride the short bus to school their entire lives

9:43 – Sam is now making an attempt at a commercialized indoctrination ploy during his singing of “Silver and Gold” by talking about how unhappy you’ll be on Christmas morning if you don’t see that sparkling tree glowing in your living room. I have to admit, it still catches me off guard at times.

9:45 – Yukon is off to get his supplies of “cornmeal, gunpowder, and guitar strings.” Wait a sec…Guitar strings? Are you telling me that abominable snowmen are allergic to the screech of the guitar, much like the pterodactyls in the “KISS Saves Santa” special from Family Guy?

9:45 –Bumble sighting counter: 3. We now begin the infamous chase scene involving the Bumble and Yukon/Hermey/Rudolph

9:46 – Alright, this always has bothered me about the “chase scene”: How in the world does the Bumble, with one foot planted firmly at the bottom of the lake, and the other foot planted on land, manage to get sucked into the lake like it’s a fucking whirlpool? I’m still baffled by it to this day.

9:47 – Reminder to Yukon: You still suck at your job. Now he talks about finding “silver” instead of gold. That sounds like a football coach being content on merely winning 8-9 games a year and going to a decent bowl game as opposed to winning conference or national championships…But we all know those types of coaches don’t exist.

9:49 – Alright, we’ve now landed on the Island of Misfit Toys. This was the inspiration for the Island of Misfit Mascots in the “Sexual Harrassment Panda” episode of South Park. Instead of featuring a Charlie-In-The-Box though or a train with square wheels, it featured “Happy, the Don’t Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger” and “Oinky, The Run Around With Scissors Pig”

I still don’t get what made the doll such a misfit

9:52 – So the crew has now had a meeting with King Moonracer, some sort of lion king of sorts. He was also poked fun at in South Park but surprisingly, not in the same episode. Needless to say, he won’t be doing any “pull my finger” tricks here.

9:54 – Rudolph has now decided to ditch his crew, time passes, he returns home as a matured reindeer only to find out from Santa that his parents have gone searching for him, yada, yada, yada…This leads to him somehow finding a cave where the abominable snowman is threatening to eat Clarice, Hermey, and Yukon.

9:57 – Looks like abominable snowmen have very soft behinds, because Rudolph poked his antlers in there hard enough to make sure he wouldn’t shit right for a week.

9:59 – Hermey puts his dentistry skills to work, removing the Bumble’s teeth flawlessly, Yukon seizing the moment, tries to push the Bumble off the cliff. Now that’s what I call a perfectly executed “pick ‘n roll”

10:00 – And Yukon goes tumbling down the icy cliff with the abominable snowman. A fitting end for a guy who sucked at life so much…Or so you think.

10:01 – Yukon’s alive, and he’s brought himself the toothless abominable snowman, scaring the crap out of everyone like Adam Sandler scares Chubbs Peterson in “Happy Gilmore” by bringing the head of the alligator that bit Chubbs’ arm off except nobody’s senselessly falling to their death out of a window. But anyway, the Bumble’s on the good side now and he’s helped put the star on the Xmas tree.

You know damn well that the Bumble would’ve eaten everyone in that room had he still had his teeth.

10:03 – Talk about a douchebag, Santa takes the cake in this one by basically implying: “Wow, Rudolph what a wonderful, bright nose you’ve got there! Forget about the fact I ditched you and insulted you and your father despite his best efforts to make you fit in, will you please guide my sleigh through the hopelessly thick snowstorm lest Christmas be cancelled?”

I wish there were a deleted scene that shows Rudolph telling Santa to take his apology and “shove it up his ass” (Bad News Bears style), Christmas remains cancelled, the children don’t get their gifts, the doll on the Island of Misfit Toys shoots herself with the toy gun that squirts jelly, and Sam hangs himself with one of Yukon’s guitar strings.

Instead, of course: Rudolph agrees to help Santa out and the rest they say, went down in history…

10:05 – “Up, up, and awayyy” As a kid I used to associate that phrase with this show but now the first thing that comes to mind is Dick Vitale blowing a vocal cord while talking about another spectacular dunk by a Duke basketball player…I’m sorry, was that joke too soon?

Is it still okay to crack jokes about Dickie V?

Thirsty Thursday: Athletes Gone Wild!

Well, I’ve decided to rename “Potpourri Thursday” to something a little more creative. The concept remains the same however: here are some of the awesome sites I’ve discovered over the past week.

I’ll start off with a little shameless plugging for a random PSU student’s blog: I’ll Think About That Tomorrow

– Drunk Athlete is rapidly becoming my favorite website. I mean, where else can you find pics like the couple I have posted below all in one convenient location?

I’m presuming this was taken during one of LJ’s visits back to PSU

Rumor has it that Adam Morrison cried into his “Pistol Pete” jacket after learning the girl in this photo was already taken.

Joe Mathlete-related sites have been a pleasant study distraction for me as well this week. Whether he’s drawing pictures on index cards, translating Marmaduke comics into plain, simple, English, giving “Ziggy” a boob for a nose, or doing an inspired cover of “Rocket” by the Smashing Pumpkins, it’s all definitely worth a look.

On the video front: We have the most random YouTube video ever…I’m talking about some dude giving us a complete 3-part history lesson on the famed 1971 PBS ID that scared the living bejeezus out of generations of pre-schoolers (myself included).

EDIT: You’re gonna have to double-click the video in order to watch it on YouTube.com.

I’m going to save space and just give you the links to Part 2 and Part 3 . I should add that listening to the guy try to “hum” the jingle to the PBS ID in Part 2 is downright priceless.

And in this clip, Kermit the Frog does his best Perry Farrell impersonation

Last, but not least: The Angry Video Game Nerd has chosen “Fester’s Quest” on the original Nintendo as his next whipping boy.

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Good Lord…

I recently discovered the most laugh-out-loud/disturbing video in the history of the internet. It’s some 70’s Finnish band doing its own version of the YMCA. Hearing that YMCA intro on the dinky synthesizer(played by a Finnish Jeffrey Dahmer look-a-like) cracks me up every time. Any chance Ed DeChellis or one of his assistants attempted to recruit the lead singer for the basketball team at one point?

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The Finnish Village People aren’t the only strange musical act to come out of Scandinavia. Put your hands together for “Lordi”, the Finnish answer to KISS. These guys ended up winning the 2006 European song contest (known as “Eurovision). Take that, Europop!

Fun With Google Searches

Now that I’ve gotten more than ten entries under my belt, people are starting to track me down with some well…interesting Google search terms. Yeah, I know this is a total rip-off of Run Up The Score’s “You Found Me” columns but hey, if Leno and Conan can both do “Headlines” then RUTS and I can both post the improbable paths random Googlers traveled in order to find our respective sites.

how to spell anthony in italian (2) – I checked out this google-search myself and couldn’t find the answer (no, I did not click on my own link). I did however find a link to my website at the bottom of Page 2…

Spell of Italian name (1) – What the….Wait a minute, could it be…No, no, it can’t be…Holy shit!!! I think I may have my first ever celebrity viewer!!! I hope you enjoyed the site Miss Teen South Carolina!

how to spell happy in italian (1) – F-E-L-I-C-E.

Happy Hour hardcorepartying (1) – I triple-dog dare those of you reading this column at work to type this into the Google search prompt and then click “I’m Feeling Lucky”

“american gladiators theme song” (1) – I’ve been frantically trying to find an MP3 that I can somehow embed on here. No such luck.

2007 college gameday theme song (1) – Thankfully, “Big ‘n Rich” won’t be “comin’ to our cit-ayyy” no more

happy hour valley (4) – What can I say? Word spreads rather quickly these days…