I kid you not: A few nights ago I decided to keep a running diary during my annual viewing of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. It was only appropriate to do so after viewing arguably the greatest X-mas TV special of all time approximately 25,000 times since the age of three. Plus, if there’s one area that the oh-so-saturated “live blog” hasn’t touched yet, it’s shows like these.
I also discovered a very well-put together site dedicated to Rudolph that has the entire video uploaded so you can actually follow along with the commentary below. Isn’t technology grand? Anyway, enough shooting the breeze: Let’s get to the good part.
9 PM – Ready to begin viewing #25,001. I’ve got the DVD popped into the DVD player along with my good friend Sam Adams by my side…Let’s light the candle on this baby!
9:02 – You gotta love how this story is being told in the past tense from the perspective of a Snowman named Sam, who looks a tad dressed like Kevin Spacey in “The Usual Suspects” (minus the hat and stopwatch) I smell a parody a-brewin’…
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Keyser Rudolph didn’t exist…
9:04 – Holy alliteration, Batman! Donner, Rudolph’s father, just blurted out “His beak blinks like a blinkin’ beacon!” in first response to that abnormal nose.
9:07 – Donner, while spazzing out over that shiny red nose of his son’s, reverts to such drastic measures as covering Rudolph’s nose with charcoal…Just like the “Black White Supremacist” Clayton Bigsby had his body completely covered from head to toe in a KKK outfit around white men in that Chappelle’s Show sketch.
Who would’ve thought someone would manage to link these two characters together? WHIIITE POWERRRR!
9:08 – Ah yes, our first mention of the Abominable Snowman (also known as the “Bumble”): So scary that Sam needs to cover himself with an umbrella just to talk about it.
Fear The Bumble.
9:09 – Hermey, the main elf character, has just told his boss (who shall herein be referred to as the “Elf Boss”) that he’d like to be a Dentist. Consider this the 1964 equivalent of an elf coming out of the closet…
9:12 – Alright, we’re at the “Elf practice” scene now and the Elf Boss’ voice has suddenly gotten much higher in pitch compared to the deep, stereotypical “grumbling boss” voice I heard not too long ago. Did the original voice actor go AWOL halfway through the production process? Did one of the producers while drunk of their rocker, mess around with the sound controls one night and after sobering up the next day decided: “Fuck it, let’s just keep it in there for comedic value”?
9:13 – And the elves (minus Hermey) are currently putting on a practice session of one of their songs in front of Santa. This scene also recently inspired yet another Soulja Boy parody.
9:14 – Santa is not amused with the rehearsal and the Elf Boss is pissed because apparently Hermey carries the tenor section like Billy Corgan carries the Smashing Pumpkins.
9:15 – Ah yes, the does are out to watch the young reindeer make fools out of themselves at the annual “Reindeer Games.” Rudolph also gets acquainted with a fellow reindeer named Fireball, whose name is actually quite fitting considering the flamer that he is.
9:16 – Rudolph is now about to try and put the moves on one of the does, Clarice. It’s about as awkward as seeing Lou Holtz give a pep talk to Notre Dame this year before playing Duke in football.
9:17 – Clarice has just told Rudolph she thinks he’s cute and suddenly Rudolph can take off like Spud Webb.
9:18 – Fuck, gotta take the trash out quickly. I’ll be back in 10 min hopefully.
9:34 – And there we go, Clayton Bigsby’s identity is revealed at a “White Power” rally…And Rudolph’s charcoal cover has come off his nose, unleashing a Pandora’s Box of bigotry amongst his peers.
9:36 – Clarice has now in an effort to cheer Rudolph up, started singing “There’s Always Tomorrow…” or as I like to call it, the Penn State basketball theme song.
There’s always tomorrow, Eddie…
9:39 – So apparently Hermey and Rudolph are such outcasts that fish come out of the frozen ponds to spit in their faces.
9:40 – Quick Sam, cover yourself…You’re talking about Bumbles again!
9:41 – Ah yes, our first glimpse of Yukon Cornelius, Greatest Prospector of the North. Gotta love how he throws up his ice pick into the air and licks it, hoping that he just magically grabbed a flying piece of gold straight out of the sky. If he’s truly the “greatest prospector of the North” then that would make me the greatest blogger of the Penn State community.
This is what becomes of people who ride the short bus to school their entire lives
9:43 – Sam is now making an attempt at a commercialized indoctrination ploy during his singing of “Silver and Gold” by talking about how unhappy you’ll be on Christmas morning if you don’t see that sparkling tree glowing in your living room. I have to admit, it still catches me off guard at times.
9:45 – Yukon is off to get his supplies of “cornmeal, gunpowder, and guitar strings.” Wait a sec…Guitar strings? Are you telling me that abominable snowmen are allergic to the screech of the guitar, much like the pterodactyls in the “KISS Saves Santa” special from Family Guy?
9:45 –Bumble sighting counter: 3. We now begin the infamous chase scene involving the Bumble and Yukon/Hermey/Rudolph
9:46 – Alright, this always has bothered me about the “chase scene”: How in the world does the Bumble, with one foot planted firmly at the bottom of the lake, and the other foot planted on land, manage to get sucked into the lake like it’s a fucking whirlpool? I’m still baffled by it to this day.
9:47 – Reminder to Yukon: You still suck at your job. Now he talks about finding “silver” instead of gold. That sounds like a football coach being content on merely winning 8-9 games a year and going to a decent bowl game as opposed to winning conference or national championships…But we all know those types of coaches don’t exist.
9:49 – Alright, we’ve now landed on the Island of Misfit Toys. This was the inspiration for the Island of Misfit Mascots in the “Sexual Harrassment Panda” episode of South Park. Instead of featuring a Charlie-In-The-Box though or a train with square wheels, it featured “Happy, the Don’t Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger” and “Oinky, The Run Around With Scissors Pig”
I still don’t get what made the doll such a misfit
9:52 – So the crew has now had a meeting with King Moonracer, some sort of lion king of sorts. He was also poked fun at in South Park but surprisingly, not in the same episode. Needless to say, he won’t be doing any “pull my finger” tricks here.
9:54 – Rudolph has now decided to ditch his crew, time passes, he returns home as a matured reindeer only to find out from Santa that his parents have gone searching for him, yada, yada, yada…This leads to him somehow finding a cave where the abominable snowman is threatening to eat Clarice, Hermey, and Yukon.
9:57 – Looks like abominable snowmen have very soft behinds, because Rudolph poked his antlers in there hard enough to make sure he wouldn’t shit right for a week.
9:59 – Hermey puts his dentistry skills to work, removing the Bumble’s teeth flawlessly, Yukon seizing the moment, tries to push the Bumble off the cliff. Now that’s what I call a perfectly executed “pick ‘n roll”
10:00 – And Yukon goes tumbling down the icy cliff with the abominable snowman. A fitting end for a guy who sucked at life so much…Or so you think.
10:01 – Yukon’s alive, and he’s brought himself the toothless abominable snowman, scaring the crap out of everyone like Adam Sandler scares Chubbs Peterson in “Happy Gilmore” by bringing the head of the alligator that bit Chubbs’ arm off except nobody’s senselessly falling to their death out of a window. But anyway, the Bumble’s on the good side now and he’s helped put the star on the Xmas tree.
You know damn well that the Bumble would’ve eaten everyone in that room had he still had his teeth.
10:03 – Talk about a douchebag, Santa takes the cake in this one by basically implying: “Wow, Rudolph what a wonderful, bright nose you’ve got there! Forget about the fact I ditched you and insulted you and your father despite his best efforts to make you fit in, will you please guide my sleigh through the hopelessly thick snowstorm lest Christmas be cancelled?”
I wish there were a deleted scene that shows Rudolph telling Santa to take his apology and “shove it up his ass” (Bad News Bears style), Christmas remains cancelled, the children don’t get their gifts, the doll on the Island of Misfit Toys shoots herself with the toy gun that squirts jelly, and Sam hangs himself with one of Yukon’s guitar strings.
Instead, of course: Rudolph agrees to help Santa out and the rest they say, went down in history…
10:05 – “Up, up, and awayyy” As a kid I used to associate that phrase with this show but now the first thing that comes to mind is Dick Vitale blowing a vocal cord while talking about another spectacular dunk by a Duke basketball player…I’m sorry, was that joke too soon?
Is it still okay to crack jokes about Dickie V?