Week 2 Recap – “Celebrity Jeopardy” Style

Another wild weekend in college football has come and gone and this year is already shaping up to be one of the most exciting in recent college football history. The storyline of this past weekend were the numerous upsets courtesy of South Florida, Oregon, South Carolina, and Washington plus the near-upsets of Wisconsin and Hawaii.

I am not bothering with a detailed post-game analysis on our victory over ND, the rest of the PSU bloggers have done that. However, I should say that the Big Ten in general looks weeeeeak. We definitely did not look like a team that during normal years would have a shot at winning the conference, but this isn’t any ordinary year: Michigan is setting futility records, Ohio State suffers from a lack of offensive firepower (we have the firepower, we just can’t seem to utilize it as much as we should), and Wisconsin needed a last-minute TD to avoid losing to a “2 wins in 2006” UNLV squad.

Instead, I’m going to have some fun here and attempt to recap the weekend by using quotes from the greatest series of SNL sketches ever. I’m talking of course, about “Celebrity Jeopardy.”

The day is mine! I’ll take “Famous Titties” for 400. – The day certainly did belong to Washington QB Jake Locker, whose talents I praised this past weekend in correctly predicting that Boise State would get upset by the Huskies. Locker’s passing numbers weren’t the most eye-popping (13/25 193 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) but he ran like hell over the Boise defense, 16 carries for 84 yards and a score. I really think Ohio State is in for a rude awakening this upcoming Saturday as the whole nation will finally get to see Locker in action (it’s a 3:30 kickoff on ABC).

We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I’d be eligible! – Miami and Oklahoma met again for the first time since the 1980’s when Barry Switzer’s Sooners were swept three straight times by Jimmy Johnson’s ‘Canes. Unfortunately for the ‘Canes, it wasn’t the same old song and dance as they ended up on the wrong end of a 51-13 ass beating. Perhaps Miami head coach Randy Shannon should re-consider the “no guns” policy he enacted…

“Yeah, I speak a little French: You’re an ass-bite, pardon my French!” – If East Carolina didn’t already expose Virginia Tech as a faux-Top 10 team last week then LSU’s beatdown in Baton Rouge left no doubt in people’s minds that the Hokies don’t belong in the Top 25, let alone the Top 10. Watching the Virginia Tech offense operate is like watching Muhammad Ali try to partake in a game of “Jenga.”

I’ve spent five years of my life trying to invent an “anal bum cover”, failing to do so is my greatest regret! – South Florida has spent the previous ten years of its collegiate football existence trying to garner that “program-changing” win. Last year they beat West Virginia on the road, which certainly was a big deal. However, that is child’s play compared to beating a storied SEC program like Auburn on their home turf. Auburn was practically trying to hand USF the game with their 5 turnovers and should have gotten whooped. Fortunately for Auburn, USF kicker Delbert Alvarado has no concept of kicking accuracy (2-for-6 on field goals), if you saw the way he shanked most of his kicks you know where I’m coming from.

Somebody needs to remind Delbert what sport he’s playing, you can’t bend it like Beckham and expect to kick it through those narrow uprights most of the time…Speaking of kicking, does anyone want to bet that Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville isn’t kicking himself for sitting on the ball with 49 seconds left in regulation and playing for OT instead of trying to drive down the field for a potential game-winning field goal?

None of you knows? No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold? Thank God! Keanu Reeves. Is it “Iced tea”? No! It’s hot tea! Well then, I have no idea! – Anthony Morelli had some nice throws that very few QBs could connect on, but he also made his share of foolish mistakes. This was particularly true when it came to the concept of checking down on his receivers. There was one play where Deon Butler was streaking down the left sideline, at least five yards ahead of his defender and my entire section noticed this and was just waiting for Morelli to release a potential TD strike but alas, AM was too busy staring down the right side of the field where he would ultimately throw an incomplete pass.

I’m willing to chalk this up as a bad day for AM but I can’t help but wonder if perhaps FIU and Tennessee’s defenses were just THAT incompetent?

Morelli may know kung-fu, but can he utilize it when needed?

I’m gonna play it safe: I’ll wager $0. – Charlie Weis had the right game plan for Jimmy Clausen, throw a bunch of swing passes and 5-10 yard out patterns along with the occassional shot down the field. However, I can’t help but wonder if Weis was throwing in the towel when he was still going with this same “play it safe” strategy with ND trailing by 2 TD’s in the 4th quarter. Eventually, Clausen was forced to start taking some risks but not before the outcome of the game was no longer in doubt.

I should say this about Clausen though: The kid showed a ton of poise for this being his first ever start and in one of the most hostile of environments against one of the most feared defenses in the country. Clausen was running for his life many times and was sacked 6 times but not once did he get roped into making a foolish play (which is was 99 out of 100 freshmen QB’s making their debut on the road would do). The interception in the end zone late in the game was not really Clausen’s fault as his receiver could only get a hand on it and tipped it into King’s hands.

Bottom line: Clausen will be the real deal sooner than you think. It only makes this upcoming weekend’s cripple fight with Michigan all the more intriguing.

Speaking of Michigan…

That’s nice, you put a “Kick Me” sign on Mr. Travolta’s back… – Oregon took a page out of Boise State’s playbook in their 39-7 romp of Michigan. QB Dennis Dixon gave the ball to RB Jonathan Stewart on the old “Statue of Liberty” play (or as Jon Stewart likes to call it: “NAMBLA”), which still ended up being about a 20-yard gain for Stewart when a Michigan defender failed to tackle him in the backfield.

Now, let’s take a look Mr. Reynolds’ answer: “Check Out Keaton’s Back.” – A couple plays later on that same drive, Dennis Dixon called a FAKE Statue of Liberty and ran into the end zone untouched. I don’t think I’ve ever burst into laughter over a football highlight as much as I did when I first watched it. Are you kidding me? First, you snuff out a real SOL play which only ended up in positive yardage because Michigan apparently no longer teaches its players to tackle and on top of that, you get completely tricked by a FAKE SOL play? Wow, just wow.

Burt Reynolds would be proud of Oregon’s trickery

“He is the current U.S. President…He has white hair, and you’ve probably seen him in the news…His first name is ‘Bill’….Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently…His last name is Clinton!…His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, ‘Who is Bill Clinton?’. Someone just say it! Anyone? [ buzzer sounds ] …And the show has reached a new low.

– The state of the Michigan football program? Complete disarray. A week after suffering the greatest upset in college football history, the Wolverines came out flat and uninspired against Oregon. That hasn’t stopped this year’s planet Earth nominee for “Biggest Douche In The Universe” Mike Hart from guaranteeing victory over Notre Dame this upcoming weekend.

Earth to Mike: if your teammates display the same kind of tackling skills they showed these first two games, you’re in for a rude awakening when Jimmy Clausen dinks and dunks you guys to death.

Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh ..seven.. uh, seven different catagories.. – Like Jeff Goldblum, Lloyd Carr is sitting at his podium doing tai-chi, oblivious to the fact that the entire fan base hates him and wishes he were already canned. This simply makes his post-game press conferences all the more awkward/amusing.

See the difference? Me either.

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