Better Know An Opponent: Syracuse

Well, I finally got around to another blog post after being bogged down with class and job responsibilities.  Unfortunately, I’ve decided to scrap the whole Stephen Colbert-like approach to this segment and just go with straight-up analysis and interview.

It also turns out that just about every other PSU blogger has put up their own in-depth analysis on Syracuse’s offense/defense/special teams which is pretty pointless if you ask me, because unless half our team comes down with the plague, the final score is going to be heavily in our favor.

With that being said however, here’s HHV’s most emotional interview to date…And it’s with none other than Syracuse’s mascot, “Otto The Orange.”

Otto, thanks for sitting down for this fake interview.

My pleasure.

Well, I must say, I’ve never seen a fan base that’s unanimously conceded defeat quicker than Syracuse fans have.  What’s your take on this game?

Well, the players and the fans are certainly gonna be fired up with the premiere of The Express this Friday and with Jim Brown and other famous Syracuse alums coming back to town.  I think the team is gonna feed off it and pull out a convincing win.

Excuse me?

Look, with all due respect for your team, we’re still on a whole different scale level talent-wise than you guys.  Eric Devendorf and Jonny Flynn are not only deep threats but also have excellent mid-range game, and I’ll take Arinze Onuaku any day of the week over your bruisers up front…Not to mention the fact that Coach Boeheim’s patented zone defense will give your offense fits.

Umm, basketball season doesn’t start for a couple more months…

No shit, Sherlock: Didn’t you get the memo?  Devendorf and Flynn are now our starting receivers, Onuaku will be seeing action at defensive tackle, and Coach Boeheim’s our new defensive coordinator.

Sounds like desperation to me.

Doubt our strategy all you want, but come Saturday when we shock the world and beat you guys, I’ll be the first to let you know.

Are you in denial?

Of what?

Of the fact that your football team is the epitome of the word “suck?”  I mean, come on, your offense is about as functional as a retarded mule, your defense tackles as well as Church League teams, and Star Wars geeks get laid on a more frequent basis than your head coach wins games.

Why, of course not!  There’s always hope for us…

…………

…..(Sobs uncontrollably) GODDAMN IT.  DAMN IT ALL TO HELL.  I’M  SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THIS INCOMPETENT DOUCHEBAG OF A HEAD COACH RUNNING OUR ONCE-PROUD PROGRAM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS AT THE END OF EVERY BASKETBALL SEASON AND ALL YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IS SEVERAL MONTHS OF ARTIFICIAL HYPE FOLLOWED BY HARSH REALITY HITTING YOU LIKE A HURRICANE IN SEPTEMBER, LEADING YOU TO COUNT DOWN THE DAYS UNTIL “MIDNIGHT MADNESS?”  WHY GOD?  WHYYYYY?

(Hands Otto an empty Tropicana box) Here, looks like you could use a tissue.  In fact, there’s plenty more of them in my trunk.  With the way your team’s season is going, you’re definitely going to need them.

PREDICTION: PAIN…Of the 52-17 variety…Hide the women and children.

Better Know An Opponent: Coastal Carolina

That’s right, HHV is proud to debut a segment dedicated to attempting to gain knowledge about our opponents the same way an overprotective father gains knowledge on a guy arriving at his doorstep to take his teenage daughter to the prom: Better Know An Opponent.

And who’s our first lucky contestant(s) to face the wrath of the flaming blue and white hellfire?  Why it’s none other than the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, hailing from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Originally inhabited by the Waccamaw Indians, Myrtle Beach is best known today for its extravagant beaches, high-quality golf courses, gigantic shopping malls, and girls going wild…

Okay, I lied about that last part.

Will somebody explain to me how on God's Green Earth the GGW tour bus has yet to stop in Myrtle Beach?

What a lot of folks also don’t know is that they also play football at Coastal Carolina.  They’re a bunch of ambitious gentlemen alright, it was only five years ago when the school’s “powers that be” got tired of seeing all the football hype in the state encompass strictly Clemson and Steve Spurrier’s School Of Hard Knocks (aka The University of South Carolina) and decided they’d finally get a “piece of the pie” by creating their own program..the remaining leftover piece that hadn’t been touched in weeks and was growing weird fungus-like stuff all over.

Since then, the program has posted a modest 39-17 overall record since 2003 and is coming off a 5-6 season from last year…Not exactly Appalachian State material, folks (unless Armanti Edwards is allowed to suit up and call his own plays in the huddle).

I would normally post some stats of key returning players right about now but since there’s a better chance of the Girls Gone Wild bus showing up in Myrtle Beach tomorrow than Coastal Carolina winning, we’ll just skip that part…

Additionally, we also try to seek out interviews with a representative of the opponent we’re profiling in order to gain even further insight on what they’re thinking and how naive they are in regards to thinking they’ll beat us.  And who’s stepping up to the plate as our first volunteer?  Why, it’s none other than William Richardson, Coastal Carolina’s quarterback and brother of the much-maligned PSU quarterback, Wally Richardson.

Definitely looks Richardson-esque

Thank you for sitting down for this fake interview, Will.

My pleasure.

I’m sure you get this all the time but what the hell is a “Chanticleer?”

I believe it’s some type of rooster

Like a Foghorn Leghorn type?

More like an aggressive, fighting, kind of rooster

So, you’re calling Foghorn Leghorn a wimp?

No, I never said that.

He may only be a cartoon, but that rooster will fuck you up if you get on his bad side…

Ooookay then…

Let’s talk about your brother, Wally, for a second. You know, he sure was the talk of the town back in his playing days here at Penn State.

Yeah, so he’s told me.

People would talk all the time about kidnapping him and locking him in their closet until the season was over.

Man, that’s messed up.

Not as messed up as when the coaches put him in over Mike McQueary for that final drive against Iowa back in 1996.

You know, I think that’s a little unfair to be bashing my brother like that.

I’m just stating the facts here, Willie.

Your brother was also recently voted as the worst Madden NFL player of all-time:  Why does EA Sports bear such a deep hatred for black quarterbacks?

Uhh, I believe they had Michael Vick on the cover a few years ago.

Right, and he ended up getting severely injured in the preseason.  EA Sports deliberately imposed its annual ‘Madden Curse’ upon Michael Vick because they couldn’t stand the thought of a black quarterback being more popular than Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.

Look, can we PLEASE just talk about my team already?

Sure, let’s talk about your team:  How many points do you think you’ll lose by this upcoming Saturday?

Well, we don’t like to think about that –

50?

You know, we always get excited over matchups like these because there’s always the slight possibility that –

60?

Look, we don’t go into games thinking we’ve already lost, okay?  That’s a totally “defeatist attitude” and you might as well not even show up.

You make an excellent point on the “not showing up” part. $100 says you guys don’t even cross the 50-yard line until our scrubs come in.

Uhh, I’m not allowed to gamble.

Fine, forget money: You can have my Hummer if I’m wrong.

I’m not allowed to accept gifts either.

Who said you’d be getting a gift?  If I was less than 100% sure that I was going to be right I wouldn’t have just bet my Hummer…

(shakes head in disbelief)

Well Willie, it was a pleasure interviewing you.

Now I remember why my brother told me to avoid this place like the plague…

So, what have we learned from all of this?  It doesn’t matter what anyone says, this game will be over from the opening kickoff, but the good guys will be generous enough to allow a garbage-time TD to raise Coastal’s self-esteem:  52-7 PSU.