Better Know An Opponent: Syracuse

Well, I finally got around to another blog post after being bogged down with class and job responsibilities.  Unfortunately, I’ve decided to scrap the whole Stephen Colbert-like approach to this segment and just go with straight-up analysis and interview.

It also turns out that just about every other PSU blogger has put up their own in-depth analysis on Syracuse’s offense/defense/special teams which is pretty pointless if you ask me, because unless half our team comes down with the plague, the final score is going to be heavily in our favor.

With that being said however, here’s HHV’s most emotional interview to date…And it’s with none other than Syracuse’s mascot, “Otto The Orange.”

Otto, thanks for sitting down for this fake interview.

My pleasure.

Well, I must say, I’ve never seen a fan base that’s unanimously conceded defeat quicker than Syracuse fans have.  What’s your take on this game?

Well, the players and the fans are certainly gonna be fired up with the premiere of The Express this Friday and with Jim Brown and other famous Syracuse alums coming back to town.  I think the team is gonna feed off it and pull out a convincing win.

Excuse me?

Look, with all due respect for your team, we’re still on a whole different scale level talent-wise than you guys.  Eric Devendorf and Jonny Flynn are not only deep threats but also have excellent mid-range game, and I’ll take Arinze Onuaku any day of the week over your bruisers up front…Not to mention the fact that Coach Boeheim’s patented zone defense will give your offense fits.

Umm, basketball season doesn’t start for a couple more months…

No shit, Sherlock: Didn’t you get the memo?  Devendorf and Flynn are now our starting receivers, Onuaku will be seeing action at defensive tackle, and Coach Boeheim’s our new defensive coordinator.

Sounds like desperation to me.

Doubt our strategy all you want, but come Saturday when we shock the world and beat you guys, I’ll be the first to let you know.

Are you in denial?

Of what?

Of the fact that your football team is the epitome of the word “suck?”  I mean, come on, your offense is about as functional as a retarded mule, your defense tackles as well as Church League teams, and Star Wars geeks get laid on a more frequent basis than your head coach wins games.

Why, of course not!  There’s always hope for us…

…………

…..(Sobs uncontrollably) GODDAMN IT.  DAMN IT ALL TO HELL.  I’M  SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THIS INCOMPETENT DOUCHEBAG OF A HEAD COACH RUNNING OUR ONCE-PROUD PROGRAM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS AT THE END OF EVERY BASKETBALL SEASON AND ALL YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IS SEVERAL MONTHS OF ARTIFICIAL HYPE FOLLOWED BY HARSH REALITY HITTING YOU LIKE A HURRICANE IN SEPTEMBER, LEADING YOU TO COUNT DOWN THE DAYS UNTIL “MIDNIGHT MADNESS?”  WHY GOD?  WHYYYYY?

(Hands Otto an empty Tropicana box) Here, looks like you could use a tissue.  In fact, there’s plenty more of them in my trunk.  With the way your team’s season is going, you’re definitely going to need them.

PREDICTION: PAIN…Of the 52-17 variety…Hide the women and children.

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