In Soviet Russia, Mattress Lies On You!

Even though the Cold War ended two decades ago, the Russians continue to discover new ways of killing somebody and it looks like couches are the current weapon of choice.

ST PETERSBURG – A Russian woman in St. Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.

St. Petersburg’s Channel Five said the man’s wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.

The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.

Here’s the real kicker, though:

The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.

You know who else mistakenly thought their dead companion was just “real nice and quiet?” That blind kid in Dumb and Dumber. That scene was pretty fucking funny..and so is killing your alcoholic spouse with a couch. At least they won’t have to tape the husband’s head back on to portray the illusion that he’s still alive.

Polly want a cracker?


4 Responses to In Soviet Russia, Mattress Lies On You!

  1. PETEY?! You sold my dead parakeet to a blind kid? Petey didn’t even have a head!

  2. sooooo says:

    wait, where does “the mattress lies on you” come from?

  3. It’s basically a “Russian Reversal” joke type. Apparently it was popularized on some 70’s variety show called “Laugh-In” (before SNL existed)

    For Example: In America, You watch TV. In Soviet Russia, TV watch YOU!

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