These Three Things I KNOW Are True (NBA Edition)

With hardly anything noteworthy going on in the world of college football and with the NBA playoffs reaching their climax, it’s about time to pop that cherry on this site. So, without further ado here’s three things about the NBA that you can take to the bank:

1. For the second straight year in the NBA Draft Lottery, the team with the best chance of earning the #1 pick in this June’s draft failed to do so. This marks only the third time in the past couple decades such a thing has occurred so the fact that it happened in consecutive years is rather astonishing. Perhaps even more astonishing is the fact that the team that earned the top pick, the Chicago Bulls, were more likely to end up with the 9th pick.

Much like how people accuse the 1985 draft lottery of being rigged to award the Knicks with the #1 pick and Patrick Ewing, I’m going to start a new conspiracy theory and suspect that the ghost of Chicago “Superfan” Todd O’Conner (as portrayed by the late, great, Chris Farley) was working his magic from up above…Who’s with me on this one?

“DAAAA BULLSSSS Four-hundred and two to zip! BUT, Michael Jordan will be held to under 200 points…”

2. While we’re still on the topic of conspiracy theories: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Bill Simmons wrote his most recent scathing article about Kevin Garnett being a lousy clutch player as a “reverse-jinx” to fire up KG and the Celtics and keep the dream alive of a Lakers-Celtics Finals.

Being that KG ended up responding with a solid performance (26 pts, 9 rebs) in a come-from-behind victory for the Celtics over the Pistons in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals plus the fact that Simmons wrote an article during this year’s NFL playoffs comparing the Patriots to the Celtics’ 1986 championship team before the Pats even played in the Super Bowl, I feel my theory has got some serious Stephen Colbert-like eagle wings to fly with…I also anxiously await Bill Simmons’ next article in which he staunchly praises KG and claims that he knew all along about KG’s clutchness and then proceed to somehow tie it in with “The Wire” and “Hoosiers.”

3. Speaking of playoffs: My friend, who we’ll simply refer to as “D” to protect the innocent (wow, this is already starting to read like a typical Bill Simmons paragraph) made an impassioned plea to the NBA earlier tonight during an Instant Messenger-chat that I feel most fans probably possess:

MrDReplies (12:31:00 AM): the spurs-pistons will kill the nba
MrDReplies (12:31:01 AM): please no
MrDReplies (12:31:03 AM): anything but that

While I don’t think a Spurs-Pistons finals would KILL the NBA (it’s already died a thousand deaths since Michael Jordan’s last game in a Bulls uniform), it would certainly lead to another boring-ass, unwatchable finals. If you need any proof of this, just observe the fact that all three of the Spurs NBA titles have consisted of the three lowest-rated finals ever

It just goes to show that slow, defensive-minded basketball without any real superstars may be okay for the college game but it translates into a snoozefest for NBA fans and for TV ratings. Thus far, the Celtics and Lakers are doing their part to ensure such a scenario does not occur this year…Let’s hope they can keep it up.

Don’t look too hard, lest Tim Duncan puts you into a boredom-induced coma from which you may never awake.

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