Big Ten Power Rankings (Week 9)

Before I get to this week’s rankings, I just want to applaud Chris Baker, Navorro Bowman, and Knowledge Timmons for adding to the growing list of legal problems the football team has managed to get itself into. In case you haven’t heard, these three rocket scientists were recently charged in connection with a fight on the HUB lawn back in October…You know, that fight that merely involved a little pushing, a little shoving, and some football players, but nothing too serious.

Well guess what: It’s wayyyyy fucking worse than that. I would give you a rundown but frankly, our resident attorney Run Up The Score describes the situation better than I ever could. Boy, it looks like JoePa’s forcing his team to clean the stadium sure sent a message..he’s lost control of this team. I hope you’re paying attention President Spanier, it’s time for you and Larry, Tim Curley, and Moe in the Athletic Department to all grow a pair and make sure 2008 is JoePa’s swan song. Not only are we stuck in mediocrity on the field but we’re quickly approaching Florida State/Miami status regarding legal troubles.

I almost have to agree with RUTS that if JoePa were a real disciplinarian, he would keep this leader-less, heart-less, discipline-less football team of his home for the holidays to watch the bowl games and third-rate Christmas specials on ABC Family.

Alright, back to my own “Happy Place”:

1. Illinois (3) – In any serious sports writer’s poll, the Illini would still be stuck around 3rd or 4th…But I’m a blogger who takes things in a sort of not-so-seriously kind of way and thus, I’m rewarding Juice Williams and Company with the #1 spot for knocking off the #1 team in the nation in Columbus.

In one fell swoop, Ron Zook has shed the “great recruiter, mediocre coach” image he prominently held for years. Moreover, in winning at Ohio State, he’s accomplished something that JoePa has never come CLOSE to doing since joining the Big Ten…But that’s okay, because JoePa is content with only beating OSU once every few years and therefore so should we.

Ron Zook attempted to hitch-hike his way to the nearest Columbus strip club after the biggest win of his coaching career.

2. Ohio State (1) – Still the best team in the Big Ten in my opinion, but you have to wonder just how much they will get up for their hated rivals after having their national title hopes deflated. Also, since it’s that time of year, here’s a random favorite anti-Michigan picture:

Nothing says “rivalry” like a roundhouse kick to a Wolverine’s nutsack.

3. Wisconsin (5) – Nothing like a little home cookin’ in Madison to end a winning streak…The Badger Badger Badgers should simply be awarded Paul Bunyan’s Axe before kickoff this weekend in their rivalry game with Minnesota because it’s a foregone conclusion that things will only get ugly for Minny once the actual game gets underway.

4. Michigan (2) – Even though they lost last week, you stil have to feel the Wolverines may be a little more psyched due to the fact they are thisclose to capping an improbable comeback from the App State/Oregon crane kicks to win the Big Ten and earn a Rose Bowl berth. They are like Harold and Kumar finally discovering a White Castle from above the cliff after tackling many obstacles to get there. All they have to do now is grab that hang glider and fly towards Pasadena…

Also, to balance things out for OSU-Michigan week, here’s a funny anti-OSU picture for you:

5. Penn State (4) – Badgers beat Michigan, and we sleep-walked through Temple. It might as well have been a bye-week for us with the effort we gave out there. At least now we have a real game to look forward to again, this time it’s for all the marbles against our artificially-created rivals in a high-stakes game for the right to retain the giant 6th-grade wood shop project trophy.

If shit were made out of wood, it would be The Land Grant Trophy

6. Iowa (7) – Struggled to beat a Minnesota team that looks like they’re suiting up kids from the top IM flag football teams. Nonetheless, the Hawkeyes managed to eek out a win and are very much alive for a bowl bid. Plus, I just can’t put MSU above them after watching them blow a sure-fire win against Iowa in typical Sparty fashion a few weeks ago.

7. Michigan State (9) – Momentarily stopped the collapse with a victory over a Purdue team that wasn’t all that hot to begin with. Look for things to return to normal this week when they face their “Land Grant” rivals in Penn State. Hey, at least they’re winning the blood drive…Oh wait, they blew that lead as well!

The perfect motivational poster.

8. Purdue (6) – What do you get when you take a team whose only consistent source of offense is throwing the ball out of the 5-wide set and was taught defense from the Louisville School of Tackling? Hawaii. Now, take Hawaii and put them in a conference like the Big Ten where they consistently face legitimate opponents and what do you get? The Purdue Boilermakers.

9. Northwestern (10) – I had to reward them for knocking off Indiana and for getting their 6th win, making them bowl eligible. Unfortunately for the Wild Kitties, everyone else in the conference except Minnesota is bowl eligible so it looks like they’re going to need another win if they want to solidify their chances of a bowl invite.

10. Indiana (8) – A team that was once looking like a shoo-in for a bowl game now has its postseason hopes on life support. The Hoosiers probably need to beat their intrastate rivals Purdue for once and get back the Old Oaken Bucket if they want to be playing in December.

11. Minnesota (11) – Punky Brewster couldn’t possibly do a worse job than what that other Brewster is doing right now. I have to wonder what the people in the Minnesota athletic department were thinking last winter when they canned Glen Mason…“Well guys, we’ve got a coach who has a proven track record of turning around shitty programs that has transformed us from a yearly Big Ten bottom-feeder to a respectable team that goes to bowl games every year but we’re sick and tired of being in December bowl games, let’s fire him and bring in a guy whose greatest accomplishment is coaching tight ends in the NFL!”

If she can draw up plays in the dirt and wear a headset she’s good enough to coach at Minnesota.


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