Big Ten Power Rankings (Week 2)

Well, it’s that time of the week…No, I’m not talking about JoePa’s imminent excuse-fest of a press conference, it’s time once again for my weekly Big Ten power rankings. Aside from Michigan’s annual beating of us, there weren’t any real shockers in conference play aside from a Minnesota player having a Chevy Chase moment by fumbling what should have been a blocked field-goal return for a TD when nobody was within 15 yards of him (Minnesota lost that game, by the way). So, without further ado…here’s where things stand on my watch.

Hold your horses people…the Big Ten Power Rankings are back.

1. Ohio State – After a solid win in a trap “Big 10 travels to Pac 10” road game at Washington, the Buckeyes nearly hung up 60 on “That Team That Lost To Duke.” Absolutely no reason at this point to downgrade them, unless they put together another Akron-like performance and Wisconsin, Michigan, or PSU steps up in a big way.

2. Wisconsin – Their defense is still shaky, but it was enough to get them by Iowa. Not to mention, they have the home field advantage against Michigan, which is why I have them in this spot.

3. Michigan – It would be a crime against college football not to rank them ahead of us. Thanks to our shit-tastic preparation/performance this past weekend, I have to suffer through another year of “WE OWN…PENN STATE” and “(insert number)-0” and chants from various scUM fans that I know (On a side note: if/when Michigan extends their win streak against us into double-digits, when will we start hearing chants of “1996”, much like Yankees fans used to chant “1918” at Red Sox fans up until a few years ago?).

If the App State game was the equivalent of Johnny getting crane-kicked by Daniel-San in The Karate Kid, then the PSU game was a washed-up Johnny returning to the ring 20+ years later to beat the crap out of the lead singer in the “Sweep The Leg” music video.

4. Penn State – Memo to JoePa: It’s not 1987 anymore. The Cold War is over, Miami is coached by a guy with class who won’t allow his players to wear army fatigues or carry guns, and defense and kicking alone can no longer win you games against even half-decent opponents. Our offensive coaching staff botched this past weekend’s game worse than the lineup scene in The Usual Suspects and unless some drastic changes are made, expect a nail-biter of a game this weekend against the Fighting NCAA “Mascot Police” Targets.

Contrary to popular belief, JoePa is NOT Keyser Soze.

5. Iowa – The Hawkeyes are the ultimate “Me, Myself, and Irene” team (“Jekyll and Hyde” has become WAY too cliche). After an inconceivable loss to rival Iowa State, the Hawkeyes came up just short in a defensive slug-fest with Wisconsin. Which Iowa team will we see when they come to Happy Valley on October 6?

Personally, I’m hoping Renee Zellweger shows up to Happy Valley…but that’s just me.

6. Michigan State – Quick math lesson: (Javon Ringer and Jehuu Caulcrick running all over the Irish defense) – (MSU defense allowing 2 offensive TD’s from ND)= 0.

7. Purdue – YAWN…another week, another crappy defense lit up by the Boilermakers. Nothing’s about to change this upcoming week either with Notre Dame coming to town. Call me when this team finally goes up against a squad that aren’t students of “The Louisville School of Tackling.”

8. Illinois – Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall make for a dynamic option duo, but we’ll see how mighty they look against our defense this week. Nonetheless, don’t let the ranking fool you: I’m still worried for this Saturday, not so much because of the offense, but because of their defense being anchored by a linebacker named J. Leman. The dude is a Real Utlimate Badass, so badass that he only has one letter in his name and sports a mullet along with a tie Chuck Norris probably wore on Walker, Texas Ranger .

J Leman: A Real Ultimate Badass.

9. Indiana Still standing at the top of the basement steps, trying to shut the door on Minnesota and Northwestern.

10. Minnesota – We sure picked a bad year to take the Gophers off our schedule…

11. Northwestern – aka, “That Team That Lost To Duke.” It’s the type of moniker that’s destined to spoil the team’s Meow Mix for the rest of the season.

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