Better Know An Opponent: Coastal Carolina

That’s right, HHV is proud to debut a segment dedicated to attempting to gain knowledge about our opponents the same way an overprotective father gains knowledge on a guy arriving at his doorstep to take his teenage daughter to the prom: Better Know An Opponent.

And who’s our first lucky contestant(s) to face the wrath of the flaming blue and white hellfire?  Why it’s none other than the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, hailing from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Originally inhabited by the Waccamaw Indians, Myrtle Beach is best known today for its extravagant beaches, high-quality golf courses, gigantic shopping malls, and girls going wild…

Okay, I lied about that last part.

Will somebody explain to me how on God's Green Earth the GGW tour bus has yet to stop in Myrtle Beach?

What a lot of folks also don’t know is that they also play football at Coastal Carolina.  They’re a bunch of ambitious gentlemen alright, it was only five years ago when the school’s “powers that be” got tired of seeing all the football hype in the state encompass strictly Clemson and Steve Spurrier’s School Of Hard Knocks (aka The University of South Carolina) and decided they’d finally get a “piece of the pie” by creating their own program..the remaining leftover piece that hadn’t been touched in weeks and was growing weird fungus-like stuff all over.

Since then, the program has posted a modest 39-17 overall record since 2003 and is coming off a 5-6 season from last year…Not exactly Appalachian State material, folks (unless Armanti Edwards is allowed to suit up and call his own plays in the huddle).

I would normally post some stats of key returning players right about now but since there’s a better chance of the Girls Gone Wild bus showing up in Myrtle Beach tomorrow than Coastal Carolina winning, we’ll just skip that part…

Additionally, we also try to seek out interviews with a representative of the opponent we’re profiling in order to gain even further insight on what they’re thinking and how naive they are in regards to thinking they’ll beat us.  And who’s stepping up to the plate as our first volunteer?  Why, it’s none other than William Richardson, Coastal Carolina’s quarterback and brother of the much-maligned PSU quarterback, Wally Richardson.

Definitely looks Richardson-esque

Thank you for sitting down for this fake interview, Will.

My pleasure.

I’m sure you get this all the time but what the hell is a “Chanticleer?”

I believe it’s some type of rooster

Like a Foghorn Leghorn type?

More like an aggressive, fighting, kind of rooster

So, you’re calling Foghorn Leghorn a wimp?

No, I never said that.

He may only be a cartoon, but that rooster will fuck you up if you get on his bad side…

Ooookay then…

Let’s talk about your brother, Wally, for a second. You know, he sure was the talk of the town back in his playing days here at Penn State.

Yeah, so he’s told me.

People would talk all the time about kidnapping him and locking him in their closet until the season was over.

Man, that’s messed up.

Not as messed up as when the coaches put him in over Mike McQueary for that final drive against Iowa back in 1996.

You know, I think that’s a little unfair to be bashing my brother like that.

I’m just stating the facts here, Willie.

Your brother was also recently voted as the worst Madden NFL player of all-time:  Why does EA Sports bear such a deep hatred for black quarterbacks?

Uhh, I believe they had Michael Vick on the cover a few years ago.

Right, and he ended up getting severely injured in the preseason.  EA Sports deliberately imposed its annual ‘Madden Curse’ upon Michael Vick because they couldn’t stand the thought of a black quarterback being more popular than Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.

Look, can we PLEASE just talk about my team already?

Sure, let’s talk about your team:  How many points do you think you’ll lose by this upcoming Saturday?

Well, we don’t like to think about that -

50?

You know, we always get excited over matchups like these because there’s always the slight possibility that -

60?

Look, we don’t go into games thinking we’ve already lost, okay?  That’s a totally “defeatist attitude” and you might as well not even show up.

You make an excellent point on the “not showing up” part. $100 says you guys don’t even cross the 50-yard line until our scrubs come in.

Uhh, I’m not allowed to gamble.

Fine, forget money: You can have my Hummer if I’m wrong.

I’m not allowed to accept gifts either.

Who said you’d be getting a gift?  If I was less than 100% sure that I was going to be right I wouldn’t have just bet my Hummer…

(shakes head in disbelief)

Well Willie, it was a pleasure interviewing you.

Now I remember why my brother told me to avoid this place like the plague…

So, what have we learned from all of this?  It doesn’t matter what anyone says, this game will be over from the opening kickoff, but the good guys will be generous enough to allow a garbage-time TD to raise Coastal’s self-esteem:  52-7 PSU.