Surprise Recruits and Hospital Visits

Today, Irish Eyes have a very sinister look upon a certain 5-star recruit straight out of Scranton. You see, Eric Shrive, the #3 Offensive Tackle in the country who was once thought to be all but a lock to go to Notre Dame realized he was making a great mistake and reportedly has now verballed to Penn State. There is no doubt this 6′7″ 300-pound behemoth is a huge grab, especially with all the criticism that has plagued the coaching staff lately regarding recruiting and it just makes me want to say:

“YESSSS! YESSSS! I HAVE EXORCIIIISED THE DEMONS…This house is clear.”

Also, in related news: JoePa was admitted to the hospital this morning after a bout of dehydration-related nausea…I guess he finally realized himself that he’s run out of excuses for losing to Michigan.

The REAL Reason To Vote For Obama

It’s 3 AM and your children are safe and asleep. There’s a phone in the White House and it’s ringing…It’s Kim Jong-Il on the other line, bragging about how he already beat Michael Jordan twice in “HORSE” and now wants to challenge our Commander-in-Chief to a game of “one-on-one.”

At stake is the elimination of the 38th parallel and total reconciliation between the two Koreas should our President win…Who do you want answering that phone call?

That’s what I thought…

Big Ten Spring Power Rankings

That’s right ladies and gentlemen: BEHOLD the triumphant return of the “Big Ten Power Rankings”, an HHV segment that over the course of last college football season became bigger than Jesus (Quintana). This time around, with spring practices/games having been completed and with a ridiculously long wait ahead until the start of this upcoming season, I am unveiling what is basically a set of rankings that are based on last year’s performance plus returning starters with a smidgen of bias thrown in. So, without further ado, here goes…

HEY, WHAT IS THIS “BIGGER THAN ME” SHEET? WHAT IS THIS “POWER RANKINGS” BULLSHEET? THAT’S OKAY , ‘CAUSE IT DON’T MATTER TO JESUS…

1. Ohio State (2007 Record: 11-2, 7-1) - Jim Tressel beat Michigan senseless for the second time in a few months when he landed the greatest recruit in football history, Terrelle Pryor. Originally wanting to play both football and basketball in college, it’s starting to look like Pryor’s going to stick to lighting up opponents on the gridiron. This is a good thing for OSU…Unless they enjoy basketbrawls and don’t mind suffering more innocent spectator deaths than at Brick Tamland’s golf tournament.

2. Penn State (2007 Record: 9-4, 4-4) - Oh shut up already, I warned you about the “smidgen of bias” part of these rankings. When you return a combined 14 starters on both sides of the football, particularly with 8 on offense, your ceiling for success should be pretty damned high (even without Sean Lee), hence PSU takes the runner-up position because this is where they are capable of finishing if they play to their full potential and the coaching staff gets the most out of the talent on hand.

Of course, there’s just one problem with the possibility of this happening (aside from the coaching part)…PSU has a downright brutal mid-schedule stretch.

Oct. 4	at Purdue
Oct. 11	at Wisconsin, 8:00 p.m.
Oct. 18	MICHIGAN (2), 4:30 p.m.
Oct. 25	at Ohio State
Nov. 8	at Iowa

Four out of five on the road in the Big Ten? Considering how shit-tastic of a road team PSU has been over the past few years, I’d be very happy to split those four road games. And lest I forget to mention that given all that has transpired up in Ann Arbor this offseason, if we lose to Michigan this year…Hell, let’s not even go there.

3. Wisconsin (2007 Record: 9-4, 5-3) - With the Badgers starting their third QB in as many years, it’s safe to say that the position has become the “village prostitute” of Camp Randall Stadium…Everyone’s getting a chance to “bang it out” in hopes of “getting on top”, HEY-OHHHH!

4. Illinois (2007 Record: 9-4, 6-2) - Poor Ron Zook: With the new NCAA guidelines banning the visitation of high schools by coaches during the month of May, he can no longer use his Richard Simmons-like enthusiasm to entice recruits (and maybe get them “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” via highlights of Illini legends past). Oh yeah, did I mention the Illini have a huge gaping hole to fill at running back with Rashard Mendenhall now playing for the Stillers? Good luck, coach…

“Fuck it, dude, let’s go waterskiing.”

5. Michigan (2007 Record: 9-4, 6-2) - “My inherited talent has either transferred or jumped to the NFL. My star offensive lineman went off to join the Taliban. My former school wants to suck me dry of millions of dollars and throw me into a pile of burning couches…My card is American Express.”

Thumbs-up to Dick Rod for trumping Coach K in the “Douche-iest Spokesperson” department

6. Iowa (2007 Record: 6-6, 4-4) - It’s hard to see Kirk Ferentz’s crew not making strides, especially on the offensive side of the ball where they return 8 starters. It also helps that the Big Ten inflicted its unwritten “mercy rule” upon the Hawkeyes, sparing them the requirement of facing Ohio State or Michigan this year.

Such a softening of the schedule is rather cheap and is the equivalent of spotting an opponent 9 points in a game of street hoops.

7. Michigan State (2007 Record: 7-6, 3-5) - Yes, I’m still downright bitter about last November’s inexcusable collapse by the Nittany Lions against a program famed for doing such things but give credit to Mark Dantonio for turning around a mess of a program in a hurry and landing them in a bowl game in his first year…Much like a former MSU coach.

Great things are on the horizon for Michigan St. football

8. Northwestern (2007 Record: 6-6, 3-5) - It seems in his 3rd year as head coach, Pat Fitzgerald has finally figured out what the Men In Purple in needed: a return to the basics. And by “basics” I mean the no-huddle spread offense that Fitzgerald’s predecessor Randy Walker utilized to get Northwestern to a couple bowls earlier this decade. Will the spirit of the “Ghost of Northwestern Past” be enough to get this team bowling again?

9. Purdue (2007 Record: 8-5, 3-5) - From the reports I’ve read regarding the Boilermakers, the only way Joe Tiller’s “basketball on grass” offense is guaranteed to be potent this year is if veteran QB Curtis Painter clones himself, injects the clones with horse steroids, and has those clones take over the running back and wide receiver spots…Talk about riding the L-Train to Nowhere.

10. Indiana (2007 Record: 7-6, 3-5) - With QB Kellen Lewis indefinitely suspended and with his favorite go-to guy James Hardy now in the NFL, dare I say Indiana is a *gasp* One Hit Wonder?

11. Minnesota ( 2007 Record: 1-11, 0-8 ) - Somewhere, Glen Mason continues to smile at the fact he has yet to be proven wrong by Minnesota’s Athletic Department that abruptly dumping him for an unqualified NFL assistant was a good idea.

A Minnesota sports blog, 1000Takes.com would beg to differ however, as they see Tim Brewster as a driving force behind the state’s dramatic increase in holiday shopping sales last December. Who’s up for a game of “Whack-A-Mole?”

When “Keeping It Real” Goes Wrong (Beaver Stadium Prom Night)

Penn State’s Beaver Stadium was a large, 107,000+ seated stadium that filled to capacity on most football weekends from fans who traveled far and wide and featured not only a rabid student section that some sportscasters have referred to as the “best in the country,” but also had its share of luxury boxes and even a statue of its beloved coach. It was all a football stadium could ever ask for…Except for the fact that it was only the 2nd largest stadium in America with the University of Michigan’s Michigan Stadium being the largest.

Recently, however, with Michigan announcing that its stadium would be under renovation and thus reducing the seat capacity, Beaver Stadium became the largest stadium for the time being.

Penn State could have just sat back and quietly enjoyed the honors of being #1 at something football-related for once but instead they chose to “keep it real.”

Business education teacher Rob Irwin kept this a secret for more than a year. He’d been working behind the scenes on an agreement with Penn State to hold Bellefonte Area High School’s senior ball at a new, but familiar venue this year: Beaver Stadium.

Now, scores of unsuspecting high school students will suffer the burden of a long, but narrow room with a lack of chairs/tables and a mini-dance floor carelessly thrown down in the corner, leading to dozens of casualties, and a prom to remember…For all the wrong reasons.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other…

Well, another year, another class of distinguished gentlemen to be elected into the College Football Hall of Fame. Saw a bunch of recognizable, deserving names like “Spittlin” Lou Holtz, Troy Aikman, Thurman Thomas, John Cooper…Wait a second, THAT John Cooper? You mean the arrogant, excuse-making, score runner upping jerk (which rumor has it, led to a PSU player suffering a career-ending neck injury) who always choked in the clutch while at Ohio State John Cooper?

MEHHHH…Just remember kids, it’s not worth winning IF YOU CAN’T WIN BIG! Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go crack the 100-point barrier on Central Ohio Tech School Of Tractor-Pulling before this game’s over…

Let’s take a further look at the Hall of Fame’s reason for even putting this guy on the ballot in the first place:

John Cooper-Tulsa (1977-84), Arizona State (1985-87), Ohio State (1988-2000) -Led his teams to at least a share of nine conference championships and 14 bowl game appearances, including two Rose Bowls… Coached Ohio State to a Top 25 finish in 12 of 13 seasons… Coached 21 First Team All-Americas.

Translation: So what if “Coop” sported a 2-10-1 record against their arch-rivals Michigan (which in some countries, might get you tied to a tree, hanging upside down while getting smacked repeatedly with bamboo canes), never won an outright Big Ten title, was 3-8 in bowl games and squandered numerous talented teams he had in the mid-90’s? He finished in the Top 25 in all but one of his 13 years at OSU, which is good enough for their mediocrity-accepting fan base…O-H!!!

Still Just a “Rat In a Cage”

I realize that as of late, this site has been lacking posting activity much like Britney Spears has been lacking in “psycho moments” and as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news: It’s going to be that way for another week thanks to the fact I’m up to my neck in upcoming finals, starting with 3 this week and one more on Cinco De Mayo…Yeah, it’s as bad as it sounds.  In fact, I’ve already let my feelings about this 5th circle of hell-wannabe be known a while back

Following finals and the ensuing tequila-showered shitshow that’s 99.999999% likely to succeed it, keep an eye out for the triumphant return of what has perhaps become an HHV staple during the Big Ten football season, making its first 2008 appearance.  That should be followed by lots more of the typical “irrelevant but important in the selfish world of blogging” stuff that usually pops up on here on a regular basis.

In the meantime, let us reminisce about the innocence of the 90’s, when the worst thing Presidents did was get “brain salad surgery” from interns, when sports weren’t so corporatized, when they actually played the “M” in MTV, and when Billy Corgan actually sported hair…

BCS: Prepare To Get Screwed By The Big Unit Of Congress

WASHINGTON — Forget government corruption or corporate fraud. Three members of Congress want the Justice Department to investigate whether college football’s Bowl Championship Series is an illegal enterprise.

While we’re at it, let’s also forget the fact that we’re mired in an endless “War in Iraq” or the fact that the economy continues to tumble down the recession rabbit hole, or the fact that Osama Bin Laden still hasn’t been captured over 6 years later (so much for waiting for his kidney dialysis machine to go kaput while he watches ‘Kojak’ reruns inside his cave):

Congress has far more pressing issues such as bringing down the big bully that is the BCS, and encouraging Division I-A college football (err…FBS is it now? Hey, that’s a fitting new name, the ‘B.S.’ part at least) to be like all the other sports leagues in America and adopt a playoff system.

Reps. Neil Abercrombie (D-Hawaii), Lynn Westmoreland (R-Ga.) and Mike Simpson (R-Idaho) are introducing a resolution rejecting the oft-criticized bowl system as an illegal restriction on trade because only the largest universities compete in most of the major bowl games. The resolution would require Justice’s antitrust division to investigate whether the system violates federal law.

You know this thing stands a fighting chance because one of the Congressmen leading the charge of this noble cause (Neil Abercrombie) is a person who at age 69, can still bench-press over 200 lbs more than his age and has no qualms about sporting the “Big Lebowski with a drinking problem” look.

It’s over BCS, the bums lost! Make way for Neil Abercrombie and his “Little Abercrombie Urban Fitches”

Here’s a really odd piece of information though that makes you wonder what value (if any) it adds to the article.

Westmoreland and Abercrombie said they started talking about the resolution after that game, as Abercrombie was paying off a bet with chocolate-covered macadamia nuts.

ESPN taking secret potshots at Abercrombie’s weight? Oh no they did-ant…Or is “chocolate-covered macadamia nuts” just the latest “buzz word” used amongst fellow Congressmen to signify “money?” (as in the hundreds of dollars in cash Abercrombie lost as a result of picking Duke to win the national title in his March Madness pool)

Speaking of March Madness…

“We shouldn’t have to argue about who the champion is,” Westmoreland said, citing the excitement and unpredictability of the NCAA college basketball tournament. “That should be decided on the field.”

You’re goddamn right it should be, even though the Congressmen bringing about this investigation are all from states whose programs got it in the ass from the BCS (Hawaii, Boise State, and Georgia), any challenge to the BCS is welcome, it is a computerized clusterfuck that needs to go the way of the 8-track player.

In the meantime, Lynn Westmoreland had better brush up on his “Ten Commandments” trivia…

Blue-White Roundtable: Now In “Spring Game” Flavor

Well, it’s been a while since I mooched off these questions.  The Usual Suspects who put together these things (BSD, RUTS, WFY, TINNOMJ, TNN, TNL) had a few segments during February and March, when the only things on my mind are the swishing of nets, shot clock buzzers, sneaker screeches, and Dennis Hopper telling me to “run the picket fence” at the opponent but  “don’t get caught watching the paint dry.”

On another interesting note that sticks out like a sore thumb:  It seems the Usual Suspects, after practically swearing they had way too many people in their “inner circle” have added a couple more members since I last answered one of these Q&A’s.

Tangled Up In White And Blue

The Big Eleventh

I see how it is fellas, I know when I’m not wanted…But anywho, let’s get to the questiones:

The announcement Wednesday is that contract talks are on hold until the conclusion of this season, and that Joe might not even need a contract to coach, how do you see this saga ending? Is this the final year for Joe Paterno?

I think it all depends on how we do this year. Another disappointing 4+ loss or worse season and Spanier may have a little more leeway in forcing Joe into retirement but if by some stroke of Lady Luck we have a performance similar to 2005, then I think the situation evolves into that down at Florida State where JoePa will likely get one year contracts until he decides he’s had enough.

I used to think that this year would likely be the end for sure of the Paterno era, but now I’m holding back on those thoughts. Get back to me on this come Thanksgiving…

Joe will clearly not been on the sidelines in 10 years time. Whether he is awarded another extension or is forced out against his will, a new face will inevitably be on the sidelines for the Lions in the years to come. Which candidates would top the list when it comes to a coaching search? Should it be an in-house hire or should we start off with a blank slate?

The only in-house hire I’d be okay with is Tom Bradley and that’s provided that Bradley is allowed to shake up the coaching staff however he deems fit (bye, bye, JayPa!). However, since I don’t see Bradley being given that much leeway, I would like to see somebody from the outside brought in and start with a blank slate, this program it seems just needs a fresh start, a good ol’ flushing out.

I’m keeping a close eye on Greg Schiano and Al Golden, as they’re both likely near the top of the list amongst outside candidates: Schiano needs to avoid losing momentum from Rutgers’ 11-win season a couple years ago and Golden needs to continue to build upon the momentum he’s created at Temple and make them bowl eligible within the next couple years.

It almost seems as if we find another athlete in trouble with the law each morning when we read the newspaper. What has gone wrong with the once pristine image of the Penn State program?

It seems some people are taking the Joe Lieberman approach of blaming the media (i.e. word of these incidents first pop up on internet message boards that thousands of people read whereas in the past, they would not have spread like wildfire).

I also think part of the problem is the coaching staff, starting from JoePa on down.  Remember a year ago, fresh off Apartment-gate, when JoePa announced that his players would be cleaning Beaver Stadium after every home game that fall?  It was such an effective disciplinary strategy that it led to the most number of off the field screw-ups since the “dark years.”  The continual misbehavior from the players shows that aside from the fact they clearly lack judgment, they also don’t have much respect for the current staff and feel that they can get away with practically anything short of pulling a knife on a teammate.

After 14 years in the Big Ten, Penn State has not dominated the conference in football as most presumed when we joined winning only 2 Big Ten titles in that span. In 1994, Joe Paterno’s undefeated Nittany Lions were also backstabbed by its Big Ten brethren when most conference members voted for Nebraska instead of Penn State. Is the Big Ten the right home for Penn State? Or would Joe Paterno’s dream of an all-eastern conference be a much more ideal conference for the Nittany Lions?

An all-Eastern sports conference would have made far more sense considering PSU’s geographical location to the Big East schools.  Unfortunately, schools like Pitt, who ironically enough now bitch about not having a regular series with us any longer, told us they weren’t interested in being in a conference with us and thus, JoePa’s plan never came into fruition.

As it stands now, from a monetary and academic standpoint we are best off sticking around in the Big Ten…Even if our football team has struggled to live up to expectations and the men’s basketball team has struggled to finish in the middle of the pack.

With the lack of our traditional rivals in the Big Ten conference, and our unwillingness to reschedule any of them in any consistent manner, which teams are emerging as Penn State’s chief rivals in the Big Ten? (USC-Notre Dame proves that rivalries aren’t all about geographic significance.)

I forget which blogger wrote it, but I’d agree with him on Wisconsin.  Ever since this series first started back in 1995 when the Badgers upset PSU at Beaver Stadium and put an end to what was then the nation’s longest winning streak, the games have been competitive for the most part.  Plus, the series is currently 6-5 in favor of Wisconsin so it’s been a fairly even series thus far.

Bonus Question from WFY: Are you going to the Blue-White Game?

Sadly, the answer is “No.” My first final is in T-10 days and considering the fact I need to make a significant leap in performance from last semester in order to avoid getting the boot, I’m not exactly losing sleep over my decision. It does suck though that for the second straight year, we’re going to have non-rainy weather and I won’t be there.

Fulmer Cup Update

As RUTS has stated already, the strong stench of mediocrity that has permeated throughout Happy Valley over the last couple years has gotten so bad that finishing first in any sort of poll would provide PSU fans with some much needed satisfaction, even the infamous Fulmer Cup…Perhaps that’s why Yours Truly was rather disappointed when he read that Orson Swindle over at EDSBS was giving us six measley points for Chris Bell’s “Crocodile Dundee” impersonation.

As spectacular as accosting your teammate with a knife is, the charges remain surprisingly paltry:

Bell, 21, was arraigned before District Judge Daniel Hoffman on numerous charges, including terroristic threats, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, disorderly conduct and harassment. He was jailed, with bail set at $50,000.

All of the charges are misdemeanors, leaving us with five points on five charges. Even with one bonus point for the spectacularly stupid nature of the crime, the max we can award here is six points. For the perverse Penn State fan hoping for more points here, you should be ashamed. (And, um, no, you can’t have any.)

Granted, it’s still very early in the Fulmer Cup season so there’s time for yet another Blue & White clusterfuck that could potentially earn us some major points. Might I suggest armed robbery, kidnapping, or maybe even starting a polygamist ranch out in Bellefonte?

Better yet, there’s approximately 20,000 girls that attend Penn State, and I’m willing to bet most of them have never been given the “Aunt Jemima treatment…”

And Now, A Moment of Silence…

For Sean Lee’s knee